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Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Oh, one of those things you do when you are stupidly in love

Right now, I am currently doing that pain-in-the-ass diet mayo.

Well, I have been cheating a couple of times tho since last week, mainly because my body was shivering and I had that cold sweats and I felt like I was going to pass out. However, I have stuck to the 13 days that feels like 13 years and it will end on this Saturday.

Why, you ask me? Besides the fact that I am gaining weight, the main reason why I decided to do this is because he keeps and keeps calling me fat and miserable. I just want to slap him in the face and I just cannot stand it anymore so I decided to try mayo, eventhough I have a chronic maag and mayo contains a lot of lemon. I am forcing myself to eat the lemon just to add some tastes in the menu. I have to hold my breath everytime I eat the boiled chicken because d'oh I puke easily. But I really want him to stop. I start to respond 'well go look for a skinny bitch then I am sorry I am not satisfying your criteria but I am not sure he takes my statement seriously. For your information, I am dead serious.

It is indeed true that I often joke about his past, but I do not think I ever joke about him at his present condition over and over again like he keeps doing. I say several times that he is shorter than me, but I never say he is miserable for being shorter than me and never rub him about it to his face.

Right now, I caught a sore that is now happening at the office, but my stomach hurts because I never eat properly but I keep on taking the medicine. I really want to eat my comforting food when I am sick, drink medicine, and then fall asleep peacefully. However, these last few nights, the first thought when I woke up is 'duh, not again'. I have eaten only the white eggs and half of the apple because when I tried to eat the boiled chicken, I almost threw up. Blame the illness.

I know I fail this diet, but I have been searching all kind of ways to be skinny without these painful meals. Just to shut him up and be a girl he wants and satisfies with. I even talk to my mom and dad to borrow some money to make it happen.

Oh well, oh well.

X

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

A year has passed

So, basically, I have learned A LOT during 2014 since a lot of things happened that affected my life (more than I let them to). I usually post a quick review of the past year monthly but I just do not have the time (and exact memories) to do so :p

here are the list of things that happened during 2014:

1. Graduated

Yep, yours truly here was officially graduated at Feb 8, 2014 after a long, tiring 3,5 years. A lot of my friends from Jogja were coming to celebrate, but one thing that I hate is my family was running late to the ceremony. They arrived when the ceremony was finished, so asdfghjkl bye.

During the ceremony, I sat beside Vika and trust me, there is no one I'd prefer to sit with. When they sang Gaudeamus Igitur, we both could not stop ourselves from crying. I mean, f-i-n-a-l-l-y! The flashback started to play in my head, and the fact that I sat beside Vika who was also beside me when inauguration period on 2010 made it worse. Never thought that I would really miss all the college times because for the last few months, all I wanted to do was leaving the hell out of UI as soon as possible. Oh, good times... :")

2. Work

When UI announced the official statement for my graduation on January, I started to apply in two offices, Digitized and Mediatrac. From both interviews, I knew I preferred Digitized. So I got in, but I said that I was available on end of Feb because I was going to Malaysia with Vika on mid Feb. I was moving to Kebagusan because the office was located in Arkadia.

Turns out, Digitized was being acquired by Bullseye Digital on the end of March. So I started to work in WTC (oh-that-tall-building) and met a lot of cool people who taught me a lot. I moved to Karet Sawah because the traffic from Sudirman to Kebagusan was such a pain in the ass. Bullseye Digital itself had to move to Jamsostek on August and had to change name into Bambu Digital and also started up its own PT, that will be legal for the next two weeks, but by the time I am writing this post, everything is going well. Thank God :)

Kak Acid, my ultimate mentor, was resigning and the last meeting we had was to review my work. She said that I was good, but I lost my personal touch in deliverables. I mean, I did not give my heart and soul to this job. It is either I lost passion or I am just that 'flat'. Right now, I am currently searching for things that I really like to work at. Or do. Idk.

3. The break-up

Well, where do I start?
2014 should have been the 2nd anniversary of me and Bimo, but we broke up, like we actually was supposed to do long before it. However, the break up was not that dramatic, unlike our 23 months of dating which were sooooo so dramatic. I did not really mess up, unlike my break up with Rizky where I cried myself to sleep every night. Perhaps it is because my feeling towards him was already dead and gone long before the break up time. I asked for a break up a couple of times, 10-15 times during those 18 months. I guess some pieces were never really complete everytime we got back together. We had cold war (he did, I did not tho) months after the break up. However, everything is back to normal right now.

4. The new one

Well, where do I start? (2)
So I met this cute guy whom I never really paid attention at Bullseye. At first, he was the only one who was single but he never really put eyes on me everytime I went to his cubicle to print something. I thought he was gay (wow nara so confident). It all started when Putri, my bestie who used to be SMO at Bullseye, dated this guy who was ex-Bullseye and lived in the same boarding house like Rey and Cecil, my coworkers at Bullseye. We started to go downstair to smoke together when fasting month came. He then asked me to watch How to Train Your Dragon 2, which was NEVER come true. One week, I was planning to 'smoke' at Cecil's room but turned out Cecil was going out so me, Rey, and Putri stayed in Pria's room. We talked about several things, and the day after, me, Rey, Cecil, Pria were going out to Sency to watch .... I honestly forgot what movie :/ we went back to their place, and I... *lost signal*

The point is, I have never expected to meet and be in a relationship with a guy like him.

It is comforting. And scary at the same time.

5. The accident

I had this accident, but for the details you can open a blog from dear beloved bestfriend of mine ; https://dearnara.wordpress.com/ 


Well, overall, 2014 was tough, but hey, I survived! :)



X

Sunday, January 18, 2015

hey baby

there is so much I want to say to you

like your question about what is it about me who is so feisty, so full of opinions, so straightforward, can go mute when confrontation approaches?
what is it about me who can be so brave on words under real life but so scared of talking to you face to face?
what is it with me who, as you call it, runaway when things are not comforting for me?

because confrontation makes my skin crawls, and people are always going to fucking leave.

I avoid saying anything that will put a riff between us because you can leave and it scares me so much, it is the most terrifying thing I have ever learned. here it goes: my own dad, the first and only man I was truly needed left when I was not done needing him, it is a fair game for you to decide to leave me.
to decide I am not worth it.

honestly, I am so afraid that someday, you'll realize that I have a major severe abandonment issue. and then you will start to look up to my family to try to find the cause of why am I so messed up (like your mother did) and then you will realize that I am a real mess starting from a kid, and likely there is no way to change that, you will wonder if you still want to go the distance with me in the future, and you will start to think that you may be wasting your time from July 2014, and then you will leave, because they all do, because people are mean and cruel, because deep down I know that there is something off with me from the very first time, and I also know that nobody stays, and I will end up alone.

I do not realize that the issue of my dad & family has been affecting me more than I thought. at the moment, you are sleeping beside me and I wonder how much longer will you be loving me before you left. because despite your (and your mom's) flaws, you are the best thing that happens to me up until now. but I know, you deserve better than just me, a childish, spoiled, cry-baby, glutton girl that is actually a wreck.

you deserve a mature woman with no issue and a normal family. me? I know I am childish, I know I attach too much to you, I just hope someday you will find the reason why I attach myself too much to you: because I have nobody else whom I can count in my life. when my dad left and my mom screwed up, I have been detaching myself from so-called parents. when you walk into my life, I attach too much.

you know? after I post this blog, I will curl into your arm and hug you so tight trying to savor the moment. 

I love you.



X