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Thursday, November 26, 2015

Earlier (2)


So I found this on my Notes and I wonder why I never published it.


I love you, but you put arrow to my knees.

And I don't know how long will I stand. 

You know loving someone is like putting a gun to your head, and giving the trigger to your loved one, wishing he could never pull it. 

I think, he almost pulled the trigger. 
I don't know whether he is slowly letting me linger from his side, but if you no longer love someone, it is better if you tell them, not show them. 

I spent all my days literally with him, and I just don't know what to do if we break up. Going to the same place, sleeping in the same bed, breathing the same air, doing things we used to do. It doesn't mean I am wishing to break up, but why do I fight for someone that isn't even here anymore? 

Because all my days are spent loving him, I have not yet prepared un-loving him. 

I am typing this while I am alone on a public place where it is a rooftop bar and the sky is so pretty with all the lights, wishing he was here beside me. I'd lay my head onto his shoulder and hold his hand, like I used to do whenever I looked at him and realized, for over and over again, how much he meant to me. 

Oh Gosh, it is a little bit crazy how much I love him and how much his hug screams 'forever'. 

It is also crazy how delusional am I to think 'okay he's the one' without actually preparing for the worst. 

But, indeed is a crazy world we live in, no?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I have just read my post below, and I reckon that wow I am such a demanding bitch.

I am sorry, baby, if you read this.

I am sorry because I shouldnt have expected you to be someone you are not. I love you inspite of your flaws. I love you this much (bembemin perut) 😜

I won't ask you to be something you are not, even if sometimes I find myself changing into something I am not because you want me to. Love is like dancing, it takes two to tango.


Come home soon.

I kinda miss you.

Monday, August 10, 2015

They say relationship is where two people can really say about what they want.

I simply want you to write something about me on your social media. I know it is freaking cheesy but it feels nice knowing once in a while your partner love you and want to let his friends know about it.

Is that so hard

Saturday, August 8, 2015

I told you I was miserable

and then you did not talk to me for four hours.

I assumed you fell asleep because you said you'd pull yourself under the blanket, but you answered that you had been there the whole time.

It has been a while since I got that sad and cried that loud.
The stage of it reached the point where I wanted to call my mom and just cried and got mad and frustated the whole time.
But I did not.

Because I am still crying.

Birthdays have never been this worse.
I'd prefer the accident a hundred time. At least, everyone was there for me.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it


Thursday, August 6, 2015

An anon asked me what I am currently feeling and cannot help but type this:

'Pretty sad because I am back to my old habit, which is I can only sleep max. 3 hours a day. I have this urge feeling to leave anything behind and just walkaway. The last time I went through this phase is because I was so depressed, and right now, frankly I am so afraid I'd go down that tunnel again. Maybe it's time for the pills again...'

I deliberately deleted that and I just need somewhere to post this. When I am typing this, I have taken two pills (yea, thank God I am keeping those) and I am on the verge of crying because I just cannot believe I have to go through this again.

Do you ever feel this kind of thing where you just want to give up because there is no point in trying? It's like you are cursed and damned for eternity. I am just really, really mad at life because if there is a God, why would You do this to me?

I am broke as fuck, but I only got several pills left. It keeps me steady only for two more nights. I just can't do this.. I just cannot walk through this path anymore.

I am sorry but I am nearly done with this shit

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Tomorrow, you will be gone for about 2 weeks. I have never been this nervous.

Right now, I am on the bed typing this while you are busy with your xbox.
If not, with your manga.
Or your laptop.

I really want to ask you to come to bed so that I can hug you, but you yourself said, with straight cold face, I have to be able to do things on my own. That is just plain cold, for me. However, I wont bother you because it is predictable. You will say stuff like how over sensitive I could be and bla bla bla and then I just have to agree with whatever you say and then apologize.

For your information, when you thought I was having a flu Saturday moning when you woke up, I did not. I was crying. I was that nervous. And also sad, because you seem like you dont care at all you would not be here on my birthday. You dont seem like you tried your best to even delay or do something about it.

Because I find it is not helpful at all to talk about this to you. You'd blame me and my oversensitivity. You'd blame me.

Well. I'd just go to sleep and pray tomorrow I'd be just fine then.


Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Now Playing: Paloma Faith - Only Love Can Hurt Like This

So two days ago I made a scene. You were mad at me for not letting go of your phone. You kept asking me why, and as usual, I did not the guts to explain. I packed my stuff and ordered Gojek, you said that that was so typical of me bailing out from problems instead of actually sit and talk about the problems itself.

Here goes the also typical conversation of us:

You asked why I did that, I did not admit that, you laughed cynically and looked like you were frustrated, you then kept asking me again and again, I still did not admit, then you stated the possibilities of my action, I then confirmed it yes or no, baby, I was meant to blabla- and here goes the truth.

I was a tad afraid that you were going to explode, but you hugged me instead and whispered 'malem ini bobok sini aja ya'.

Truth be told, I never expected you would calm me down instead of arguing and yelling because I was so stupidly childish.

I bet you never expected dating a girl like me either, huh?


Thursday, June 11, 2015

I saw you looking up to her name twice on May.

I don't care if it is a privacy violation, I don't care if you hate me, but I date you because I thought you were the kind of person who was faithful.

Put yourself in my shoes.

When your girl looks up her drunk-mistake guy twice the next month after you flipped out, tell me again how are you gonna feel.

See, I did everything, everything, in my life just to please you. I cook you breakfast-dinner-lunch. I wash and dry your shirts. I massage you. I take care of you. I do what you tell me, and not do what you forbid me.

If that is not enough for you, just say it. Tell me.
You don't have to hurt me like this.
You, of all people, should know that cheating hurts. It really hurts.

Just when I thought I have found the one, 
You continuously put arrows on my knee.  


Thursday, May 14, 2015

I don't know how to be okay when I am not

It irks me when you touch me; the images of you touching her thigh appear.

It irks me when you put your head on me; the images of you leaning on her appear.

I don't know how to deal with this because it never once cross my mind that I have to deal with this kind of problem. Never once I experienced it in the past also. It feels like I have to swallow a large ball of fur I cannot just throw it up.

You know the saddest part is?

I feel like I am not worthy. She's pretty. No wonder why you got turned on, and chose to look at her closely when I asked you to sit with me. She's thin. She has long legs. She is probably everything you have ever dreamed of.

But why you have to do it with me on your side?

If I am no longer appealing for you, just set me free first then off you go leaning into somebody new.

It hurts me so, and I wonder if you even care.


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Oh, one of those things you do when you are stupidly in love

Right now, I am currently doing that pain-in-the-ass diet mayo.

Well, I have been cheating a couple of times tho since last week, mainly because my body was shivering and I had that cold sweats and I felt like I was going to pass out. However, I have stuck to the 13 days that feels like 13 years and it will end on this Saturday.

Why, you ask me? Besides the fact that I am gaining weight, the main reason why I decided to do this is because he keeps and keeps calling me fat and miserable. I just want to slap him in the face and I just cannot stand it anymore so I decided to try mayo, eventhough I have a chronic maag and mayo contains a lot of lemon. I am forcing myself to eat the lemon just to add some tastes in the menu. I have to hold my breath everytime I eat the boiled chicken because d'oh I puke easily. But I really want him to stop. I start to respond 'well go look for a skinny bitch then I am sorry I am not satisfying your criteria but I am not sure he takes my statement seriously. For your information, I am dead serious.

It is indeed true that I often joke about his past, but I do not think I ever joke about him at his present condition over and over again like he keeps doing. I say several times that he is shorter than me, but I never say he is miserable for being shorter than me and never rub him about it to his face.

Right now, I caught a sore that is now happening at the office, but my stomach hurts because I never eat properly but I keep on taking the medicine. I really want to eat my comforting food when I am sick, drink medicine, and then fall asleep peacefully. However, these last few nights, the first thought when I woke up is 'duh, not again'. I have eaten only the white eggs and half of the apple because when I tried to eat the boiled chicken, I almost threw up. Blame the illness.

I know I fail this diet, but I have been searching all kind of ways to be skinny without these painful meals. Just to shut him up and be a girl he wants and satisfies with. I even talk to my mom and dad to borrow some money to make it happen.

Oh well, oh well.


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

A year has passed

So, basically, I have learned A LOT during 2014 since a lot of things happened that affected my life (more than I let them to). I usually post a quick review of the past year monthly but I just do not have the time (and exact memories) to do so :p

here are the list of things that happened during 2014:

1. Graduated

Yep, yours truly here was officially graduated at Feb 8, 2014 after a long, tiring 3,5 years. A lot of my friends from Jogja were coming to celebrate, but one thing that I hate is my family was running late to the ceremony. They arrived when the ceremony was finished, so asdfghjkl bye.

During the ceremony, I sat beside Vika and trust me, there is no one I'd prefer to sit with. When they sang Gaudeamus Igitur, we both could not stop ourselves from crying. I mean, f-i-n-a-l-l-y! The flashback started to play in my head, and the fact that I sat beside Vika who was also beside me when inauguration period on 2010 made it worse. Never thought that I would really miss all the college times because for the last few months, all I wanted to do was leaving the hell out of UI as soon as possible. Oh, good times... :")

2. Work

When UI announced the official statement for my graduation on January, I started to apply in two offices, Digitized and Mediatrac. From both interviews, I knew I preferred Digitized. So I got in, but I said that I was available on end of Feb because I was going to Malaysia with Vika on mid Feb. I was moving to Kebagusan because the office was located in Arkadia.

Turns out, Digitized was being acquired by Bullseye Digital on the end of March. So I started to work in WTC (oh-that-tall-building) and met a lot of cool people who taught me a lot. I moved to Karet Sawah because the traffic from Sudirman to Kebagusan was such a pain in the ass. Bullseye Digital itself had to move to Jamsostek on August and had to change name into Bambu Digital and also started up its own PT, that will be legal for the next two weeks, but by the time I am writing this post, everything is going well. Thank God :)

Kak Acid, my ultimate mentor, was resigning and the last meeting we had was to review my work. She said that I was good, but I lost my personal touch in deliverables. I mean, I did not give my heart and soul to this job. It is either I lost passion or I am just that 'flat'. Right now, I am currently searching for things that I really like to work at. Or do. Idk.

3. The break-up

Well, where do I start?
2014 should have been the 2nd anniversary of me and Bimo, but we broke up, like we actually was supposed to do long before it. However, the break up was not that dramatic, unlike our 23 months of dating which were sooooo so dramatic. I did not really mess up, unlike my break up with Rizky where I cried myself to sleep every night. Perhaps it is because my feeling towards him was already dead and gone long before the break up time. I asked for a break up a couple of times, 10-15 times during those 18 months. I guess some pieces were never really complete everytime we got back together. We had cold war (he did, I did not tho) months after the break up. However, everything is back to normal right now.

4. The new one

Well, where do I start? (2)
So I met this cute guy whom I never really paid attention at Bullseye. At first, he was the only one who was single but he never really put eyes on me everytime I went to his cubicle to print something. I thought he was gay (wow nara so confident). It all started when Putri, my bestie who used to be SMO at Bullseye, dated this guy who was ex-Bullseye and lived in the same boarding house like Rey and Cecil, my coworkers at Bullseye. We started to go downstair to smoke together when fasting month came. He then asked me to watch How to Train Your Dragon 2, which was NEVER come true. One week, I was planning to 'smoke' at Cecil's room but turned out Cecil was going out so me, Rey, and Putri stayed in Pria's room. We talked about several things, and the day after, me, Rey, Cecil, Pria were going out to Sency to watch .... I honestly forgot what movie :/ we went back to their place, and I... *lost signal*

The point is, I have never expected to meet and be in a relationship with a guy like him.

It is comforting. And scary at the same time.

5. The accident

I had this accident, but for the details you can open a blog from dear beloved bestfriend of mine ; https://dearnara.wordpress.com/ 

Well, overall, 2014 was tough, but hey, I survived! :)


Sunday, January 18, 2015

hey baby

there is so much I want to say to you

like your question about what is it about me who is so feisty, so full of opinions, so straightforward, can go mute when confrontation approaches?
what is it about me who can be so brave on words under real life but so scared of talking to you face to face?
what is it with me who, as you call it, runaway when things are not comforting for me?

because confrontation makes my skin crawls, and people are always going to fucking leave.

I avoid saying anything that will put a riff between us because you can leave and it scares me so much, it is the most terrifying thing I have ever learned. here it goes: my own dad, the first and only man I was truly needed left when I was not done needing him, it is a fair game for you to decide to leave me.
to decide I am not worth it.

honestly, I am so afraid that someday, you'll realize that I have a major severe abandonment issue. and then you will start to look up to my family to try to find the cause of why am I so messed up (like your mother did) and then you will realize that I am a real mess starting from a kid, and likely there is no way to change that, you will wonder if you still want to go the distance with me in the future, and you will start to think that you may be wasting your time from July 2014, and then you will leave, because they all do, because people are mean and cruel, because deep down I know that there is something off with me from the very first time, and I also know that nobody stays, and I will end up alone.

I do not realize that the issue of my dad & family has been affecting me more than I thought. at the moment, you are sleeping beside me and I wonder how much longer will you be loving me before you left. because despite your (and your mom's) flaws, you are the best thing that happens to me up until now. but I know, you deserve better than just me, a childish, spoiled, cry-baby, glutton girl that is actually a wreck.

you deserve a mature woman with no issue and a normal family. me? I know I am childish, I know I attach too much to you, I just hope someday you will find the reason why I attach myself too much to you: because I have nobody else whom I can count in my life. when my dad left and my mom screwed up, I have been detaching myself from so-called parents. when you walk into my life, I attach too much.

you know? after I post this blog, I will curl into your arm and hug you so tight trying to savor the moment. 

I love you.