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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Every fire is a lesson learned

You know, the older you get, the more you get to know yourself. Well, I finally get a better view about myself. At least. Haha. I mean, I made so many mistakes for the sake of growing up. Some of those mistakes, I cannot actually forget. It is always there to remind you how douchebag you are, and it never really goes off. You just get to a point where your mistakes wont wear you off. You are not defined by your mistakes; you are defined by what you overcome.

Every fire is a lesson learned.

I do not always remember what other people have done me wrong, but when I do, I never forget how those feel. I am a sucker at forgiving someone without being a bitch about it. Actually, the more I am mad, the more I get cold. I mean, like permanent cold. I'd rather be cold and cynical than have to explode and cuss and mock and yell and whatevs. I just dont think it worths. All I do is putting it down to my memories and making sure I remember that just in case I have to use that as my defense or I ever think about dealing with that person again. I used to think its a good idea until..... I read about repressed emotion in defense mechanism at psychoanalysis (God, are you Sigmund Freud?)

I don't care if people say Sigmund Freud is crazy. I adore him. So basically, defense mechanisms are unconscious coping mechanisms that reduce anxiety generated by threats from unacceptable impulses.

I talk about Psychoanalysis a bit down here but let me sum it up for you. The ego -- the "I" -- sits at the center of some pretty powerful forces: reality; society, as represented by the superego; biology, as represented by the id. 

When these make conflicting demands upon the poor ego, it is understandable if we feel threatened, fell overwhelmed, feel as if it were about to collapse under the weight of it all.  This feeling is called anxiety, and it serves as a signal to the ego that its survival, and with it the survival of the whole organism, is in jeopardy. In order to deal with conflict and problems in life, Freud stated that the ego employs a range of defense mechanisms.  Defense mechanisms operate at an unconscious level and help ward off unpleasant feelings (i.e. anxiety) or make good things feel better for the individual. Kind of defense mechanism are:

Repression is an unconscious mechanism employed by the ego to keep disturbing or threatening thoughts from becoming conscious. Thoughts that are often repressed are those that would result in feelings of guilt from the superego. This is not a very successful defense in the long term since it involves forcing disturbing wishes, ideas or memories into the unconscious, where, although hidden, they will create anxiety 

Wow. I mean, wow yea that makes sense, especially the issues I have to deal with my family. I never really burst out into anger while I just try to repress the emotion because it hurts only talking about it. I dislike explaining what I truly feel so I just go on like nothing ever happens. Is this really a symptom of a mental illness in Psychology?

But I do not want to deal with it.

No. Just, no. Disturbing wishes, ideas, or memories? Yea right. I am trying my best to cope up with it tho.


Tuesday, October 14, 2014

whoa back off, sadness

I was re-reading my this blog when I realized 'whoa I have been so sad these past few months' so I decided to try to mention things that I am currently grateful about

1. I am thankful for my health

I used to freak out because I was actually forcing my body to get back to my old life before accident. at first, it was scary. I fell on the bathroom floor on Monday while I was about to take a bath and go to work. I had to cancel my plan on going back to the office. I just needed to lie down an hour or two. However, it is getting better. up until now, the fatigue is not coming back and the legs are not as shaky as they used to be. well, I just need to concentrate on my scars because they are ugly and it saddens me so much.

2. I am thankful for him

for starters, I would not get through these couple of months alive if he was not there for me. I know that I have been with him only for 3 months, but must I say that this has been the most comforting relationship I have ever had in my life. its just.... you know those stupid butterflies you feel in your stomach? they are always flying freely almost every morning when I wake up with his arms hugging me and his breath lingers on my neck.

it is scary sometimes, how I am so used to be with him all the time.
it is also crazy, how we never really have a fight until now.

no matter how scary and crazy it may seem, I know that I love him so much, so fucking much it kinda messes with my sanity.

well looks like I run outta thing to be thankful for. those kinda sum up the highlight of my current life. ah :)