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Monday, May 26, 2014

Lowest Point

You see, people have their own limit.

Some people lose it when their spouses are dead, some lose it when they are bankrupt, some even lose it when their relationships end. You see, from all the shits that I have been through, people keep telling me how strong I am to be able to stand tall and not to lose it. Hell, my mom even took me to the psychiatrist to check if there was something wrong deep inside of me because I looked so fine, not damaged at all. Not even a crack.

Well, the psychiatrist said I suffered mental block, which is a state where my thoughts are locked deep down inside so my unconscious will never reveal to anyone under any circumstances unless I allow it, which I practically never (e.g: he did some hypnotherapy stuff to me).

I have to be honest. Right now, I am losing it.

I just cannot tell everyone how fucked up I feel because honestly, I do not know who to trust. My trust issue has taken the best out of these times and things could not have gone worse than this.

Do you know how it feels to have achieved anything that are the best out there but no sign of recognition from your family? I have always got into the best school and college, have always got a good score, have always got jobs everywhere I want, and I even graduated from UI in 3,5 years managed to pay for my tuition along with still holding grip to my college. How does it look? Because to my family, I am still a failure. I will always be a failure, if I never turn into a woman they want, which is religious women.

I was so tired of working because my project has just started a big campaign with only months since I handled it but still I made it to see my family but how did it go? Wrong, because I did not wear any hijab. I was finally home and able to take a break in the middle of my working days but how did it go? Wrong, because my shirt is too short. I picked them in a station at 4 am and I had to wait until 5 while I had meeting at 9 am but how did it go? Wrong, because my pajama is too short.

My dad. I did not even know where does my dad live in Jogja until several months ago. Hell, I did not even know I had a brother again. It does get me wondering how to introduce my whole family to my future-in-law. Hello, this is my dad, with his two mistress and four children. Nice to meet you. P.S, look out for your pretty girls.

You know, I am really tired to be strong, and live my life acting like I actually have a normal life. Fuck, my life is a mess. My family is a mess. My relationship is a mess. I suffer trust issue and I am used to hold it down there, not saying anything to anyone. When I finally get to a point in a relationship where I finally open up, they cannot stand me. After they realize how damaged I am, they leave. As always.

I am not perfect, I know. Perhaps I should not make contact with anyone ever again, just go and live my life alone. That way, I do not have to urge to be approved and recognized at anywhere from anyone just to feel hurt after. I do not have to force myself to open up, and be left because I am damaged. No.

Maybe I should just let go, although all of this is all I know.

Perhaps I should just end it all, once and for all.