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Friday, April 4, 2014

Within me

You know, when all of this is over, I really have nothing to blame but myself.

Me, my insensitivity towards other and my hyper sensitivity towards my own self.

Previous relationship, I have distance to blame. I went off thinking that I was losing him because of the distance. I did not know if I made that up and kept thinking like that until I actually believed it, or simply I was right. I'd imagine how everything must be different if we were close. We can set up a meeting everytime we fight to fix everything, not fuckin pretend to be okay just to get a goodnight text, and sleeping away all the feelings.  I'd like to blame the distance so I did not have to face the truth that I was the one who screw up. But now? Living a real relationship (I'm not stating that LDR is fake) where we meet almost everyday.....

What should I blame?

Our different religions? As if I was blaming God. Our different background? As if I was blaming his surroundings. Our different way of dating? As if I was blaming our exes.

Now, I think I have to face the cold truth that the problem lies somewhere within me.

I dont know, maybe I am not pretty enough. I am not smart enough. I am not sexy enough. Or perhaps I dont know how to love. I dont know how to be in a relationship. I dont know how to live an equal relationship. Maybe its true, maybe its not, maybe you are why, or maybe we both are just destined to not be together.

Those questions keep popping out in my head these kind of days. I know it sounds masochist because thinking about it sickens me from time to time but I just cant help it. What happens? Should I have seen the sign? Where does it all go wrong? How we end up this way?

The songs that I gave to you for our anniversary, all 31 of them, now scar me even more I keep replaying them all over again in the playlist named by your name. It took me months to love back my songs from my ex, do I have to get thr this all over again? Why?


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