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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Every fire is a lesson learned

You know, the older you get, the more you get to know yourself. Well, I finally get a better view about myself. At least. Haha. I mean, I made so many mistakes for the sake of growing up. Some of those mistakes, I cannot actually forget. It is always there to remind you how douchebag you are, and it never really goes off. You just get to a point where your mistakes wont wear you off. You are not defined by your mistakes; you are defined by what you overcome.

Every fire is a lesson learned.

I do not always remember what other people have done me wrong, but when I do, I never forget how those feel. I am a sucker at forgiving someone without being a bitch about it. Actually, the more I am mad, the more I get cold. I mean, like permanent cold. I'd rather be cold and cynical than have to explode and cuss and mock and yell and whatevs. I just dont think it worths. All I do is putting it down to my memories and making sure I remember that just in case I have to use that as my defense or I ever think about dealing with that person again. I used to think its a good idea until..... I read about repressed emotion in defense mechanism at psychoanalysis (God, are you Sigmund Freud?)

I don't care if people say Sigmund Freud is crazy. I adore him. So basically, defense mechanisms are unconscious coping mechanisms that reduce anxiety generated by threats from unacceptable impulses.


I talk about Psychoanalysis a bit down here but let me sum it up for you. The ego -- the "I" -- sits at the center of some pretty powerful forces: reality; society, as represented by the superego; biology, as represented by the id. 

When these make conflicting demands upon the poor ego, it is understandable if we feel threatened, fell overwhelmed, feel as if it were about to collapse under the weight of it all.  This feeling is called anxiety, and it serves as a signal to the ego that its survival, and with it the survival of the whole organism, is in jeopardy. In order to deal with conflict and problems in life, Freud stated that the ego employs a range of defense mechanisms.  Defense mechanisms operate at an unconscious level and help ward off unpleasant feelings (i.e. anxiety) or make good things feel better for the individual. Kind of defense mechanism are:

Repression is an unconscious mechanism employed by the ego to keep disturbing or threatening thoughts from becoming conscious. Thoughts that are often repressed are those that would result in feelings of guilt from the superego. This is not a very successful defense in the long term since it involves forcing disturbing wishes, ideas or memories into the unconscious, where, although hidden, they will create anxiety 

Wow. I mean, wow yea that makes sense, especially the issues I have to deal with my family. I never really burst out into anger while I just try to repress the emotion because it hurts only talking about it. I dislike explaining what I truly feel so I just go on like nothing ever happens. Is this really a symptom of a mental illness in Psychology?

But I do not want to deal with it.

No. Just, no. Disturbing wishes, ideas, or memories? Yea right. I am trying my best to cope up with it tho.

X

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

whoa back off, sadness

I was re-reading my this blog when I realized 'whoa I have been so sad these past few months' so I decided to try to mention things that I am currently grateful about

1. I am thankful for my health

I used to freak out because I was actually forcing my body to get back to my old life before accident. at first, it was scary. I fell on the bathroom floor on Monday while I was about to take a bath and go to work. I had to cancel my plan on going back to the office. I just needed to lie down an hour or two. However, it is getting better. up until now, the fatigue is not coming back and the legs are not as shaky as they used to be. well, I just need to concentrate on my scars because they are ugly and it saddens me so much.

2. I am thankful for him

for starters, I would not get through these couple of months alive if he was not there for me. I know that I have been with him only for 3 months, but must I say that this has been the most comforting relationship I have ever had in my life. its just.... you know those stupid butterflies you feel in your stomach? they are always flying freely almost every morning when I wake up with his arms hugging me and his breath lingers on my neck.

it is scary sometimes, how I am so used to be with him all the time.
it is also crazy, how we never really have a fight until now.

no matter how scary and crazy it may seem, I know that I love him so much, so fucking much it kinda messes with my sanity.

well looks like I run outta thing to be thankful for. those kinda sum up the highlight of my current life. ah :)

X

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

So you know I got into accident. Old news.

Question is, how is my life nowadays?

If only I could answer.

My parents went to Jakarta the day I got into accident. My boyfriend also went to Jakarta. They cried. My bestfriends cried on their moms worrying sick because of me. My friends came to see me whether I was unconscious or when I got better. Everyone is concerned. Everyone asks, everyone suggests, everyone thinks whats best for me. Because I am still on recovery.

No one ever seem to remember what do I feel about my own self. And my own life.

Well, I talk to my boyfriend a lot. But he's not here where I need him most. My bestfriends accompany me, but I rarely meet them so I enjoy our session more than talking about my feeling. My bestfriend who are in Jakarta are far away I dont feel like talking about my feelings thru line or imess.

The thing is, it sucks. I feel like crap because I am sick and my mom keeps reminding me that I got into accident and I have to take care of my brain and it is a small chance I will be back in Jkt anytime soon. Honey, I live in Jakarta. I have my own life. My own job. My own time. Do you know I hate living with my mom because I always got into a fight with her? Even when I was at Jakarta, we got into fights we did not even talk for 3 months. I never actually have lived with my dad.

Oh boy, I am used to live alone.

Gue bener2 stress and depressed I cannot function like I used to in my old life. Gue ampe bilang ke bokap gue, gue gabisa di Jogja terus. Untung bokap ngerti. Cuma gabisa tetepan diusahain cepet.

Men, gue bener bener ngerasa useless bgt hari-hari ini. Ya gue gamau boong jg gue masih ngomongnya belepotan dan movement gue masih awkward kaya orang giting, but I am getting better. I know I am. Gue jg bukan orang yg ga realistis kok kalo gue sakit, but I am improving. Gue tau batasan diri gue sendiri.

But my mom is too concerned and the doctors are overrating. Dokter Jakarta aja ga lebay. Gue beneran pengen berobat sendiri ke Medistra deh. Berobat di Dokter Sanjaya.

Dear God, this has been one of the hardest moments in my life. And I know I sound ridiculous because I have my lovable boyfriend and bestfriends but,

I am feeling lonely right now.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Hi?

I cried like a baby when I saw the blog. Anggi and Ukky were shocked because I was crying all of a sudden. Shit, the things you do...

I never expected an accident. Who is? I once  said to Rey 'I wish I never got an accident'. Lets be fair. I got into an accident. It sucks. And you were the one who helped me during my accident.

I never properly thank you for saving me and taking care of me. I was always the one who such a obnoxious, same as your boyfriend, but you mean a lot to me. I am serious when I said I wanted to move in with you and that was a big move to me because I needed my own santuary. But with you I feel at ease because I found a very best friend.
I am sorry for things I did when I got into accident, saliva or something, I am sorry because I am such a bitch and I cannot stop using my poor bestfriend to take care of me.

Fuck. I need to get my shit together and fix my words. I am sorry I am such a mess.

I really cannot afford to lose you. Whos gonna accompany me at lunch or smoking? Whos gonna stay with me at night in the office? Putri, I really hope you'd stay with me at our crappy place together. I found a very bestfriend and I dont care if I'm selfish. You are not allowed to go to Bogor and we'll figure something out.

I know I am rambling and my words arent clear I found a problem in my brain that makes me lose senses of words but I hope that you see what you mean to me.

X

Monday, May 26, 2014

Lowest Point

You see, people have their own limit.

Some people lose it when their spouses are dead, some lose it when they are bankrupt, some even lose it when their relationships end. You see, from all the shits that I have been through, people keep telling me how strong I am to be able to stand tall and not to lose it. Hell, my mom even took me to the psychiatrist to check if there was something wrong deep inside of me because I looked so fine, not damaged at all. Not even a crack.

Well, the psychiatrist said I suffered mental block, which is a state where my thoughts are locked deep down inside so my unconscious will never reveal to anyone under any circumstances unless I allow it, which I practically never (e.g: he did some hypnotherapy stuff to me).

I have to be honest. Right now, I am losing it.

I just cannot tell everyone how fucked up I feel because honestly, I do not know who to trust. My trust issue has taken the best out of these times and things could not have gone worse than this.

Do you know how it feels to have achieved anything that are the best out there but no sign of recognition from your family? I have always got into the best school and college, have always got a good score, have always got jobs everywhere I want, and I even graduated from UI in 3,5 years managed to pay for my tuition along with still holding grip to my college. How does it look? Because to my family, I am still a failure. I will always be a failure, if I never turn into a woman they want, which is religious women.

I was so tired of working because my project has just started a big campaign with only months since I handled it but still I made it to see my family but how did it go? Wrong, because I did not wear any hijab. I was finally home and able to take a break in the middle of my working days but how did it go? Wrong, because my shirt is too short. I picked them in a station at 4 am and I had to wait until 5 while I had meeting at 9 am but how did it go? Wrong, because my pajama is too short.

My dad. I did not even know where does my dad live in Jogja until several months ago. Hell, I did not even know I had a brother again. It does get me wondering how to introduce my whole family to my future-in-law. Hello, this is my dad, with his two mistress and four children. Nice to meet you. P.S, look out for your pretty girls.

You know, I am really tired to be strong, and live my life acting like I actually have a normal life. Fuck, my life is a mess. My family is a mess. My relationship is a mess. I suffer trust issue and I am used to hold it down there, not saying anything to anyone. When I finally get to a point in a relationship where I finally open up, they cannot stand me. After they realize how damaged I am, they leave. As always.

I am not perfect, I know. Perhaps I should not make contact with anyone ever again, just go and live my life alone. That way, I do not have to urge to be approved and recognized at anywhere from anyone just to feel hurt after. I do not have to force myself to open up, and be left because I am damaged. No.

Maybe I should just let go, although all of this is all I know.

Perhaps I should just end it all, once and for all.



X

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

For those of you who think college is not important

This post may sound cynical or something, but just... It is your personal choice to think so, and it goes the same way with this post.

College is not just as simple as able to differentiate between they we I you and he she it. College is not just as simple as able to count the income of a company. It is not as simple as getting into a college, do all the task and graduate. No.

I must say that my parents were the ones who always encourage (in a hard, hard way) to always get into the best school in town. Thank God I always made it this far. They still do, though. They keep asking when can I take my master, and what are the chances of international scholarship these days. I just finished my 3,5 years of undergraduate program last February and have just started a career in my dream job so all I want right now is just to save money as much as I can so that if someday I am finally ready to take my master, my financial condition will be supporting my decision.

You know, it is true that not all education comes from college. They say, experience is the best teacher. I say, college is the best place for you to have both the formal education and the greatest experience. In college, the best education you could have is not only what your lecturers taught you. It is how you adapt from your years of school where all schedule is fix and the timeline is also decided from the government. It is how you make friends with the ones that will have different schedule, who come from different background, and have different point of view, who you will face constantly for years. It is how you grow from a teenager to an adult. It is how you are torn between asking money from your parents while you already have the consciousness not to, and try to work somewhere in some place you are so not familiar with. You will start to think about your future. You will start to really be responsible. College is not a school where if you act bad, your parents will come to get you and then you will be grounded. In college, they can drop you out.

For me, those experiences I got from college is equally important.

I know, people say that a degree is not a guarantee. Come to think of it, if having a degree does not even guarantee your future, what are the chances for people who have nothing? Do you really want you children to know that their parents dont go to college because they 'just dont feel like it'? Congratulations then, for making this world a better place.

Talking about money, I know college is rather expensive, but that does not mean you cannot afford it on your own. I got into UI choosing to pay for others' scholarship so I dont have a chance to get one. Then, shit happened, and I had to pay my tuition by my self (IDR 6500000). I can do it, tho. The one time when I thought I did not have to pay it by myself anymore, shit happened again, and I was on the edge of bailing college but then I had gone this far. There would be a way. There are always a way. In just 12 hours, my friends collected all those money for me, and my friends were the one who pay it. I suddenly got a text saying 'done. You can still study this semester, Nay'

I burst into tears.

That is when I believe, there is always a way for those who really want something.

Personally, I think there is always something different from the people in my surrounding who do not go to college. I am not judging nor saying they are a little off, I am just saying that there is just something different. I dont know if the problem lies within my surrounding or it is just me overreacting or I am so used to be among my college mates or there actually is something different. I dont know why, there are some differences on the way they act and think, it is like seeing a premature baby because they skip one step on their maturity stairs? Haha just kidding.

Really. I am kidding. Please laugh, dont take this the wrong way.

For those of you who think college is not important, I really feel sorry for you, your parents, and your future children. I know it is your call about what to do with your life, but still tho. I wish, I really wish your kids would not follow your steps when they grow up. Honestly, you miss out the most crucial part of your years of growing up :)




X

Sunday, April 13, 2014

TMI Tag!

I just woke up from a day fullllll of naps from a week lack of sleep (yea revenge is a bitch, baby!) and I just found out the TMI tag in Youtube and I am bored so here it is:

TMI Tag

1: What are you wearing?  
 my oldie but goody pajamas 

2: Ever been in love?
I guess I am in love right now, for the last 20 months.

3: Ever had a terrible breakup?
Yes I did. I did have one terrible breakup last..... 2011.

4: How tall are you?
174cm

5: How much do you weigh?
I dont speak english 

6: Any tattoos?
No(t yet?)

7: Any piercings?
Yep, one on my upper right ear.

8: OTP?
Alexa Chung and Alex Turner :(

9: Favorite show?
A lot. I mean like, a lot. Friends, HIMYM, thats 70 show, PLL, modern family, GOT, suits, TBBT, Greys Anatomy, Da Vinci's Demons, CSI, well... and others. 

10: Favorite bands?
Also a lot!! Current favorite: The Neighborhood. 

11: Something you miss? 
My Mom and brother

12: Favorite song?
I should rewrite. Current favorite*: The Neighborhood - Sweather Weather

13: How old are you?
21! Goin 22 next Aug

14: Zodiac sign?
Am a lioness baby dont you see~

15: Quality you look for in a partner?
The first requirement is: taller than me.

16: Favorite Quote?
Love yourself so no one has to.

17: Favorite actor?
I dont really have one. If I have to choose... Hh I just cant.

18: Favorite color?
Silver and Gold

19: Loud music or soft?
I can go on with both of them

20: Where do you go when you’re sad?
Mall. Entertaining myself a whole day and then go straight home (I am not lying)

21: How long does it take you to shower?
15mins... 1hour on bath tub

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
15-30mins

23: Ever been in a physical fight?
Well....... not really but yea I guess

24: Turn on?
Nice back

25: Turn off?
Smell!

26: The reason I joined Blog?
I luv to write. 

27: Fears?
Abandonment. 

28: Last thing that made you cry?
Youtube ads (I know I'm pathetic)

29: Last time you said you loved someone?
Yesterday

30: Meaning behind your blog Name?
Acronym of my name

31: Last book you read?
Mockingjay

32: The book you’re currently reading?
Psychology book

33: Last show you watched?
Da Vinci's Code

34: Last person you talked to?
My bestfriend

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?
Good

36: Favorite food?
Sambel....... 

37: Place you want to visit?
Disneyland. Or beach. I can use a beach right now.

38: Last place you were?
Outside

39: Do you have a crush?
No. 

40: Last time you kissed someone?
Yesterday

41: Last time you were insulted?
Idk, forget

42: Favorite flavor of sweet?
Ummmm mint kind of sweet!

43: What instruments do you play?
Used to play guitar and keyboard, but

44: Favorite piece of jewelery?
Necklace

45: Last sport you played?
Dating kind of sport :p :p

46: Last song you sang?
All I am, is a man, I want the world in my hand~ I hate the beach, but I stand in California with my toes in the sand~

47: Favorite chat up line?
Masih idup ae

48: Have you ever used it?
Yea actually hahaha

49: Last time you hung out with anyone?
Uhm, yesterday with mom and boyfie

50: Who should answer these questions next?

Him, I wish hahaha


X

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Straightjacket feeling [1]

I just....

Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal 
And you're the problem and you can't feel

Right now I swear I am too worn out and tired and drained, mentally, I cannot even cry. Do you know the feeling when all you want to do is cry but you just cant because youre probably run outta tears so all you feel is this straightjacket feeling as if something is pressing your chest and stuck on your throat, makes it so damn hard just to breathe?

Try this on, straightjacket feeling
so maybe I won't be alone

If you do, congratulations, you have just understood what state I am on right now.

Take back now, my life you're stealing

And then, I'll continue this post after I really am fine without you




X

Friday, April 4, 2014

Within me

You know, when all of this is over, I really have nothing to blame but myself.

Me, my insensitivity towards other and my hyper sensitivity towards my own self.

Previous relationship, I have distance to blame. I went off thinking that I was losing him because of the distance. I did not know if I made that up and kept thinking like that until I actually believed it, or simply I was right. I'd imagine how everything must be different if we were close. We can set up a meeting everytime we fight to fix everything, not fuckin pretend to be okay just to get a goodnight text, and sleeping away all the feelings.  I'd like to blame the distance so I did not have to face the truth that I was the one who screw up. But now? Living a real relationship (I'm not stating that LDR is fake) where we meet almost everyday.....

What should I blame?

Our different religions? As if I was blaming God. Our different background? As if I was blaming his surroundings. Our different way of dating? As if I was blaming our exes.

Now, I think I have to face the cold truth that the problem lies somewhere within me.

I dont know, maybe I am not pretty enough. I am not smart enough. I am not sexy enough. Or perhaps I dont know how to love. I dont know how to be in a relationship. I dont know how to live an equal relationship. Maybe its true, maybe its not, maybe you are why, or maybe we both are just destined to not be together.

Those questions keep popping out in my head these kind of days. I know it sounds masochist because thinking about it sickens me from time to time but I just cant help it. What happens? Should I have seen the sign? Where does it all go wrong? How we end up this way?

The songs that I gave to you for our anniversary, all 31 of them, now scar me even more I keep replaying them all over again in the playlist named by your name. It took me months to love back my songs from my ex, do I have to get thr this all over again? Why?




X

Monday, March 31, 2014

Update: Life after graduation (and F you AirAsia)

Update update! Been a while since I last wrote an update post! (yea like anyone cares) but now, let me tell you about my life after graduation.

What is the first thing that graduated student concerns with? Of course a job. Well, thank God I have several offers to work at since before my graduation, so on January I have already decided where I want to work. I was torn at first, working to earn a big salary or to have a job that I actually enjoy because for the fresh graduates, it is hard to find a job that matches both your desire and salary's expectation.

Right now, I am working at a digital marketing agency and I love it darn much! I know the work is piling at agency and the working hours are versatile but I really enjoy my work, so I do not really have a problem working at an agency. Funny thing is, my bestfriend also works at agency without two of us knew which job each other aimed for :"")))

Well, I also move from Tebet to Kebagusan because it is better for me to pay more for the room rather than go the distance everyday to work. I dont know, I think I am just too lazy :p Kebagusan has a really nice environment but it takes me a fortune if I want to go to my fav places (IDR 70k to Sency, IDR 75 to Kuningan, I am crying blood). The closest place to hang out is Citos and Kemang. I hate Citos because they effin closed their TimeZone, and I dont really favor Kemang.

It feels good, doing things you love 5 days a week, surrounded with lovely people, and getting paid for it. That is how it feels to be working the right job. I have two office working experience before this, so I know the difference. Previously, I work because I need money. I dont really have much choices with the limited time I have as a college student (weekends and monday only) so it feels different, working somewhere you choose. Alhamdulillah :)

Fyi, I used to not have any break during college (mon-fri college, weekend work) and now I only work at Mon-Fri so oh my God thank you for these two days :'''') so this is weekend. Finally I sense freedom :')

My iPhone was missing (yep I know this isnt the best opening sentence but whateva, my iPhone was fucking missing) it fell on the plane (AirAsia) along with my cigarette and my lip stain on the flight back from Malaysia but AirAsia said they didnt find it. They called me at first saying that they have found it but later they confirmed that it was a black box that was found, not an iPhone. How stupid is that. I tried calling them and tweeted them but no fucking response so f you AirAsia. Twitter is public enough and everyone can see that you did not answer my tweets (oh yeah I unprivated my Twitter just to tweet you) so thank you for having a super perfect public relation. God bless you.

So yeah, that is a bit about my life after graduation. I plan to take my master anytime soon but I am still torn. But wait. I want to have fun first ;)

X

Thursday, March 27, 2014

you promised destiny, but somehow you cannot stand the distance

This is how it feels knowing the expired date is close behind. I cannot ask you to promise that things will be just fine, because I know it wont. Things never work out for me, and I just found out that you are not an exception.

I wish I had an exception.

I always screw up, like, in the best way possible. Goodbye is all I have ever known. When I met you, I wish that you were an exception, because I felt like I deserve an exception, and it now kills me slowly knowing you are not.

I know we really do not have a fucking clue about the future, and we shall not act like we have one, but that does not mean we cannot predict it. We will end up going our own ways, because that is how it works with me. I never once have a really happy ending, and I now give up wishing for one. Because when I finally got my heart to love again, to trust again, to hope again, it ends in tears.

Some of me wants to end it right now and wear the dignity of being the one who leaves, but the other part of me is afraid to take the risk of being the one who is broken. Because I always am.

I really want to stop loving. I will, someday. Just not today. I promise myself to stop loving someone because nothing good ever comes out of it.

X

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

...just because I'm fine doesnt mean I'm okay.

So, you bought three ice cream for me last night, and we made up. I am cheap, I know.

But still, just because I'm fine doesnt mean I'm okay.

Sometimes, you are still mad, very mad, at someone, but you are just too tired to show that you are mad. Being mad is tiring and exhausting. It consumes you slowly to just keep being mad. I decided to not care anymore if I am mad, you never agree to break up anyway no matter how wrong I could be. So I dont really see the point of keep being mad.

The question is......

Is this healthy? Is this right? Is this really what happen between two people who fall in love? Am I doing the right thing? Is this what we supposed to be after years of dating?

X

Friday, March 14, 2014

Our love was made for movie screens

'Cause you brought out the best of me
A part of me I'd never seen


***

I still remember the first time I saw you. That night. I was wearing my torn-up shirt and short pants. You were wearing your favourite shirt, which now is in my closet. We hadnt stopped talking since that night until our first fight after we were taken, which I forgot when. 

I still remember our first kiss.... or I dont. I was drunk, and you did not know how to kiss me before because I seemed so distant and cold (which I am). Then we kissed. In my favourite place. With my favourite song. Wore my favourite black dress. Our first kiss tasted like Vodka, and Baileys, and Ice Blast, and GG. I love the taste of your lips after you smoke, it tastes sweet, your cig's filter. Have I told you? I guess I have. 

Our love was interesting. Different religions, different backgrounds, different way of living, different type of lovers. My mom dislikes you because youre not a moslem, and your father loves me very much he asked me to be at your home on Christmas. We both did not really bother with religions, because what we believe is God, and religions are created by human. It would be so cool if we could marry, yes?

I still remember our typical fights. You always scared me off...... I then chose to pretend everything was okay when we met, and I would have waited until you got home. I would tell you then. You would argue why everything seemed okay before. I would answer 'because you scare me' and try to explain that I really really dont have the guts to argue with you directly.

That was when everything went unhealthy.

The more you get mad, the more you get emotional with all the yellings and screamings. The more I get mad, the more I turn cold and distant and quiet. Tell me, how to encounter this? How?

How to be survive a relationship between ice and fire?
Can we come out alive? Or should we need to stop?

***

You took my soul, wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screen


X

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need someone to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin



***


Like, really. I miss the time when everything was simple. Right now, things are getting more and more tangled. Does getting old mean life's getting more complicated than ever?

The deeper I get into relationship with someone, the more I blend my life into his. He becomes more and more subtle in my routine, and I become so used to his presence I kind of rely on him to just, function. I have never been in a relationship for this long, and it kind of scares me.

And then, things just start to fall out.

I wish I had the time for all the drama. I dont. I have to wake up early and my works are piling up, I cannot afford to stay up all night feeling like shit the whole storm and finally make up when dawn comes. I cannot. It is tiring. I just... dont think it is healthy. You are getting tired of being the one who tries to make up all along.

And then, we start to stop trying.

Know what good usually comes out from our situation? None. I dont know actually, never been this long, but in my mind, I am already bracing myself for the goodbye. It is all I have ever fucking known.

***

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?



X

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

It feels like when you are already on your knees, but he kicks you.
It feels like when you give your hand hoping he would hold it, but he slaps you in the face.
It feels like...
Like losing all your senses one by one. Like you are too tired to even get mad. Like you do not really care anymore about what is going on between the both of you.

It feels like your throat is filled with something you need to swallow because every time you try to spit it out, you just cant.




X

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Sometimes, I have my breakdown moment when I just hate everything in my life and my head is filled with regrets of things I chose not to have/be/do. My bestfriends know this. I will just shut myself out for a while, and then call them when I am ready, and everything back to normal. I used to wonder why does I always have this stupid insecurity break down time? Is it because of PMS? Maybe, but now I think I know why.

Sometimes, we are just going too far we have to be reminded of what we already have. Every breakdown moments I have make me thankful of what I really have in my life. Like this time. I was on the edge of breaking down. Everyone feels distant, and I just want to punch some people in the face. I think about the fact that I dont really have time to catch up with some of my friends make me started to lose them one by one. One friend even accused me of forgetting friends after I was taken. Others said that I was picky. Another said I was anti-social.

No, it was not like that.

My days were always occupied. I had college from Monday to Friday, and I have work at Monday, Saturday, and Sunday. I did not always check my phone besides text messages. I was never a super girl who was always occupied but still can stay up till late. No. When I got home after college and work, I was already worn out. I sometimes did not took a bath and I just went straight to bed. In the morning, I usually did my task from college (yes thank God I am a quick task doer) and then went straight to my class. When would you expect me to socialize?

Picky? Anti-social? No. I am just not the type of everybody's friend, you know what I mean? I am more comfortable in just a small circle of people who I can really trust. Yes. I have a trust issue. Once I trust someone, I will keep them in my life till they break my trust. Yep, I am a keeper. The downside is, I dont really care about people whom I dont trust, and I just cant rebuild my trust to people who break it. Its not as if I never try, God knows I try, but I just cant. Everytime I have a breakdown, my bestfriends will always always reassure me that everything is okay, it is all just in my head.

See, now I just decided not to care anymore if I dont please everybody. I dont expect them to please me anyway. I have bestfriends who are willing to go miles for me, who are always there to listen, who are always there to pick me up, who accept me for who I am. They are the ones that are worth to please.


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Sunday, January 5, 2014

Sisi Lain dari Diperjuangkan

Kamu semua tahu, dan mungkin sering membaca, tentang perasaan orang yang ditinggalkan. Orang-orang yang berjuang namun tetap ditinggalkan. Kali ini, aku akan menulis tentang sisi lain dari diperjuangkan.

Dulu, aku pernah menjadi orang yang berjuang namun tetap ditinggalkan. Saat itu aku merasa sangat tidak adil; bagaimana bisa ia dengan gampangnya pergi? Kenapa dia berhenti mencoba dan memutuskan untuk mencari yang baru? Apakah keadaan kita sudah seburuk itu?

Jawabannya baru kuketahui sekarang: iya.

Kadang, aku masih suka memikirkan tentang rasa sakit hati ditinggalkan dulu, dengan perasaan yang lebih netral. Aku pun akhirnya melihat-memang kita sudah tidak bisa dipaksakan. Dia hanya melihatnya lebih dulu, dan menghindari konflik yang tidak berkesudahan.

Orang yang masih tidak bisa melihat titik disfungsi dari sebuah hubungan, mereka biasanya yang masih memperjuangkan. Seperti aku, dulu.

Kadang, menjadi orang yang terus diperjuangkan itu tidak enak. Menjadi orang yang berjuang justru lebih enak. Ia memiliki tujuan dan keinginan yang jelas: melanjutkan hubungan. Orang yang diperjuangkan itu juga terkadang tidak tahu apa yang sebenarnya dia inginkan. Yang dia tahu hanya keadaan seperti ini sudah tidak bisa lagi dipertahankan.

Kadang mereka yang berjuang bilang enak ya kalian tinggal pergi gitu aja, namun mereka yang diperjuangkan juga ingin berteriak enak ya kalian, menyiksa batin kami sampai titik dimana kami tidak tahu lagi apa yang sedang kami lakukan, sampai kami akhirnya memutuskan untuk pergi, namun kalian terus memblokir jalan kami dengan ucapan maaf dan tangisan penyesalan. 

Kalian pikir memutuskan untuk pergi itu gampang? Memutuskan untuk berhenti berjuang itu mudah? Ini bukan masalah rasa sayang, bukan. Entah kalian tahu atau tidak, tapi ada loh rasa sakit yang bahkan rasa sayang pun tidak lagi cukup mengakomodir.

Kalian pikir memaafkan kalian lalu memulai lagi semuanya itu mudah? Asal tahu saja, orang yang berjuang sesungguhnya merasa tolol setelah menarik lagi keputusan untuk mengakhiri semuanya. Sungguh rasanya tolol, karena mereka, yang diperjuangkan, sudah tahu kalau keadaan tidak akan pernah bisa berubah. Setidaknya, tidak semudah itu. They learn the hard way.

Perasaan orang yang diperjuangkan pun tidak akan pernah utuh, karena orang yang berjuang sebagian besar tidak benar-benar berjuang. Mereka hanya minta maaf, menyesal, namun akan ada saatnya mereka mengulangi kesalahan yang sama. Semua ini terasa seperti bermain lego dengan satu bagian yang hilang, atau tidak saling berhubungan. Mau bagaimanapun, tidak akan bisa lengkap. Namun saat kita memutuskan untuk berhenti bermain, mereka yang berjuang akan merusak semua bangunannya dan memaksa untuk membangun lagi dari awal. Padahal mereka juga tahu ada sesuatu yang hilang. Mereka hanya tidak mau, atau belum, menyadarinya.

Namun, perasaan bukanlah lego. Perasaan tidak sekokoh lego, yang anti air dan tidak mudah pecah. Perasaan tidak sekuat lego, yang setelah dihancurkan berkalikali tetap saja dapat tersusun rapi.

Setiap mereka yang diperjuangkan memberi kesempatan kedua (dan ketiga, keempat, kelima, keenam, ketuju) ketahuilah, semakin banyak kesempatan yang diberi, semakin berkurang perasaan yang tersisa.

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