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Sunday, October 27, 2013

I am sorry; I love you so fuckin much

I dont know how many times I have been crying these two days

Gilak. If theres an award about the most bitchies girfl I can sure win one. Yes, I am so selfish. Kmrn tetiba ngambek ke Bimo dengan alasan superkonyol tp ttp aja gue ngambek bete diem. Dia udah ngebaikbaikin berkali-kali but still I was so so so so bitchy. That got to the moment where Bimo yelled and punched his own chest saying 'sakit rasanya nar gue ngerasanya sakit sesek'.

I cried even harder.

Gosh. I am crying while typing this. In the office. My works arent finished and I am drowsy but I. just. need. to. write. this. down. cz. I. need. to. lose. up.

Gue buang muka, sandaran di kaca mobil, dan gue nangis silently. I even bit my finger to hold the noise. I cried because I felt stupid and silly and guilty. Gue terus usaha buat berhenti nangis karna I needed to calm down and apologize to him. Satu sisi juga gue takut banget bcs he screamed and yelled and punched himself, but I knew I had to apologize.

He tried to hug me.

Disitu harusnya ky udah bersyukur banget dia ga bentak gue ngatain 'nangis terus lo bisanya' but instead he hugged me, and I was still SO STUPID. I just. Idk whats wrong with me, gue malah teriak 'gamau lepasin aku gamau dipeluk sama kamu blahblahblah aku takut sm kamu blahblah' pdhl di otak gue tuh anjir ini orang knp baik banget :"( dan dia kaya ga peduli mau gue katakatain kaya apa juga he still tried to hug me and calm me down. He said 'maafin aku sayang aku bikin kamu nangis. aku juga udah maafin kamu. aku udah gamau bahas ini lagi. udah ya sayang jangan nangis. nanti cantiknya ilang. mana katanya nara cantik. udah ya sayang maafin aku ya.'

d'oh I'm still crying while typing this. Harusnya gueeee yang minta maaf ke dia. Harusnya dia ngamuk ke gue. Kenapa dia malah kaya gitu. I still feel so stupid and guilty and bitchy and all; I am the worst girlfriend anyone cud ever had. Knapa dia mnt maaf karena ngerasa sakit karena hal yg gue lakuin? Its like, 'forgive me Nara to get mad and feel hurt over the stupidest thing you always do' ya ampun......... Masih sedih dan nyesek banget rasanya.

But it didnt stop right there.

Bimo selalu minta kunci kosan, ngebukain pintu pager, trus ngebukain pintu mobil gue dan ngegandeng gue dan nungguin gue ngunci pager sambil ngebantuin. Then, he always says 'I love you' before he gets back to his car that is always parked in front of my home. But that night, waktu dia nungguin gue ngunci pager, iPhonenya yang ada di dashboard mobil dicuri

T_______________________________________T

You cannot tell how messed up I feel when we both saw the CCTV from my home that showed a thief opened the car's door and stole it. right in front of my eyes. But I didnt notice. Hbs itu lsg ke kantor polisi dan br balik kosan lg jam set2 pagi. Since then, I cannot stop blaming myself for whatever happened. Gimana sih rasanya kalo jadi Bimo. Harusnya dia muak banget sama gue dan ninggalin gue. Instead, he hugged me and said 'jangan sedih kamu, nanti aku ikut sedih, aku ga nyalahin km sama sekali kok'

Gue nyesek banget rasanya. Gue belom pernah seancur ini ngeliat org yg gue sayang kena masalah, dan gapernah senyesek ini. Rasanya kalo bisa iPhone gue aja yang ilang, jangan iPhonenya dia. Gue yg lebih pantes dijahatin.

I dont even know how to end this post.




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