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Saturday, August 31, 2013

To always be there when I need you,
To always pick up my call,
To always listen even if I'm just crying at the whole conversation,
To always know me better than the mask I put on my face,
To always be able to draw a curve on my lips,
To always understand,

To be the most awesome bestfriend anyone could ever have,
Thank you.
I love you to the moon and back.

Happy birthday, sayang.
May all the years coming filled with gold.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

So we burst into colors and carousels

I left my house
Left my clothes
Door wide open
Heaven knows
You're so worth it, you are

Well, where do I start?

I have this habit to write down reflections throughout some particular events in my life. Sometimes, the words even suprise me, like, I dont realize I even feel that way and its like words capture my feelings better than my consciousness. Moreover, I always write something about August.

August, my dear beloved August, has always been comforting. Sometimes it is fucked up, but it is still comforting. Funny thing is August has always been my anniversary month throughout my two relationships. I cant help but expect for something good to double itself, right? Birthday and anniversary. One wrong step and both will be ruined haha.

So, its been twice that Eid mubarrak happened at August, meaning that I was at Jogja those times. Last year, I missed my flight back to Jogja that was supposed to be on early August so I spent more days here. with Bimo. That was when he got us together. This year, it saddened me at first knowing that my birthday and our anniversary would be spent apart from him. Luckily, he went to Jogja for 10 days to celebrate both :3 and those days made me aware about some things, and some feelings.

It all started when Bimo went to Semeru. He was supposed to climb Semeru for 4 days but at the end, he spent 5 days there. I am telling you I have never felt so desperate because of missing someone. 5 days without any texts, chats, calls, blergh. I really missed him till I cried. I slept all the time just to avoid seeing my iPhone that had been too quiet. On day 4 where he was supposed to go back but he didnt, his sister asked me where the hell was he. His family began to worry since he was expected to be back already. I answered with comforting guesses like 'perhaps he extended camping in Ranu Kumbolo' and stuffs but I myself was actually also freaking out. I tried to call the Ranu Pani post just to check if he already checked out or not. The next day when I missed his two calls, he texted me asking 'arent you missing me?' and I went straightly calling him. I yelled at him how dare he said I wasnt missing him. He giggled. I cried. I cried and I could only said 'dont go anywhere without signal again please...'

I only cry when I miss someone whom I really care about, like my mom, but then I cried because of missing him.

When we were at Jogja, he lived in an exclusive boarding room where my dad used to stay. One fine afternoon, me and Ale were there. Ale lent his Xbox because Bimo complained about his boredom and begged for like, a thousand times. When I messed around when he was playing Xbox, he didnt respond. I'm still sorry for being such a sensitive bitch but I really hated it :p and again, my childish ego came out. I decided to go home with Ale. He forbid me, and we fought. Well, basically, I stood my silence and gave him the despise look when he was sorting things out why the hell I suddenly wanted to go home. I didnt care. I almost ran out of the room when he suddenly closed the door and locked it. Then, he threw the key across the room. Hard. I was afraid. He has this quick temper (althought he never really was throwing them out to me) and I sat in the bed. He exhaled, and tried to hug me. I yelled 'leave me alone I didnt want to be around you'. He then sat in front of me. His body was shaking. Suddenly, he said something with tears in his face. 'You really irritated me. Why did you do that to me. Why you always made ma mad. Why you always triggered my anger. Why you always wanted to fight. I really wanted to be mad and explode at you but I really couldnt. I was compressing my anger until it felt really hurt on my chest. It really hurt until I cried. Why did you do this to me?'

I admit, I was being bitchy at that time. And when I said bitchy, I really meant it. I actually was amazed by how patient he was. And then it struck me. I really hurt him that bad, didnt I? I hugged him and said I was sorry for zillion times. I am still sorry, until now.

Last day at Jogja, he was so nervous of seeing my grandfather, or I usually call Aung. My dad and my cousing kept saying scary things about how Aung was..... well, conservative. Bimo got that impression that he really had to be perfect to be accepted by my Aung, and as we all know, Bimo is Christian and Aung is one religous moslem (he has Ponpes, that explains) Bimo was so nervous he didnt know if he was ready to meet him or not. When he finally picked me before we went to airport, Aung asked who was driving me home the other day. I answered by pointing at the outside, at Bimo. Aung walked outside. Bimo smiled (nervously).

 And then, it happened.

Aung asked 'Kamu serius sama Nara?'
Bimo "Serius, ung:
Aung " Sering-sering kesini lah kalo serius!"
Bimo "eeh iya ung siap!"
Aung "Bukan gimana, masalahnya dia nih banyak yang naksir, jadi bingung kan saya dia sama yang mana"
Aung "*said to me* Awas ya kamu ganti ganti lagi"

And Bimo was bitched about both 'oo banyak yg naksir' and 'tuh awas kamu ganti ganti lagi kata aung' all way down to Bandara -_____- I smiled, and he smiled. Then he said 'if we go back to Jogja, your house is my first destination'.

Yesterday, we went to Bimo's house. Bimo's dad kept asking for me and kept saying how much he missed me. Bimo even showed his chat with his mom when Tante typed 'papa di rumah nungguin nara katanya calon mantu mau dateng hahaha'. Tante and Kak Indri were gone to Summarecon, and the three pf us (me, Bimo, si Om) sat down at Bimo's house and talked from A to Z. It was dark when Bimo told me we had to go to Citos. When I was walking outside, si Om asked me 'how do you call your dad? papa?' I nodded and he said 'kamu juga panggil om papa aja lah. panggil tante mama. besok kalo om berburu kamu nginep sini nanti bobok sama tante aja, oke?'

I froze. and I giggled.

I have never felt so in love. He sees me through my flaws, but he still wants me. I kept pushing him out of my life, but he held on. He holds on. I have never felt so wanted. I once asked God to give me someone who would never give up on me because I know it never is easy to love me, and then there you are.

You say that I was never a romantic, but you just dont know. I am a sucker at expressing feelings. You know how hard is it for me to look you in the eyes and tell you I love you. I am better with words, not direct conversation.

So we burst into colors
Colors and carousels
Fall head first
Like paper planes and playground games

So here it goes.

I love you. I love you so much. I love you although I dont say much, but I really do. I love the electric sensation I feel whenever you hold my hand. I love your smell whenever I bury myself in your neck. I love the tingling sensation whenever you kiss me. I love the warmth whenever you hug me. I love you more than you know and more than I say.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to feel so much loved.