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Friday, July 5, 2013

Separation [fiction]


Its Christmas Eve, and I am alone with my headset on at this coffee shop, the place I abandon for the last two months. John Mayer is playing along, and outside is now raining.
People say, letting go is so much easier than moving on. Well, to me, in order to move on, you have to let go. By letting go, I mean letting go in a complete way.  Letting go means accepting that things are sometimes do not go the way we want them to be. Letting go is not to fix; some things are better off their own way.
Letting go means learning that sometimes, in life, people grow.
Sadly, they grow apart.
Sometimes you just lay there and something reminds you of the good times you used to have. You ask yourself was this a right decision or not. You keep thinking and wondering if you made a mistake by stepping out, or you should have been fixing all the messes.
I keep thinking about him. I miss him, of course, but I just cant go back and pretend if nothing has ever happened. I wish nothing had happened, tho. I wish we were not supposed to be like this. How I wish, I wish, and I wish, but my wish isnt going to make any differences.
I wish I could still wish it was over.
There are indeed some empty spaces in my life that I have to fill, like the tendency of talking to him everytime I want. Fighting over a silly thing like how he insisted on me stopping my stupid diet and how I hate his smell when he went to play football.
He had been the only thing in my life that kept me sane for these last 25 years.
And now I have to complete my own sanity.
By seeing how many espresso glasses I have spent this afternoon, regaining my own sanity has started badly.
The red haired barista has always looked at me in a curiosity whenever we meet at this coffee shop. You know the thing about coffee shop that I love the most?  It is the place where I can be alone but not feel lonely. I love to sit, sip my coffe, listen to John Mayer, and stare outside. The view from this place is adorable. When it is afternoon, the sky will look like a big sea that has soft wave with the colors form a beautiful ombre. When it is night, the city lights will march along with the cars’ lights that move in different speeds. I can stare at the view for hours, drowning in my own thoughts, ignoring the world outside, getting lost in the way.
It is so boring. What is so interesting about sky anyway, he always said.
The sky never changes, I answered.
I don’t even know what changes are you talking about but it sounds boring, he then sighed.
I smiled, and stared at the sky again.
Well, I said, no matter if the color changes, the cloud disappears, the thunder cracks, the rain falls, the sky will always be there whenever I look up. No matter how scary it was yesterday,  it will always be there when I look up.
Of course you silly, it is a part of the earth, he replied plainly.
Sigh. Those conversations I miss. Terribly. It has been days since we parted. I am not a people person so when I lost someone, I kind of lost some part of myself. Only few people can ever get to be a part of my life. Most people suck. I hate people anyway. They really, really suck. He was the one who always been a social butterfly. When he did that, I usually hid in the corner and watched from the distance.
You know what I love from crowd? The mixed emotion I feel, he once told me.
You know what I love from crowd? I asked him back.
I can notice everyone without anyone notices me.
Ha. Emo.
Shut up.
Letting him go is probably the toughest decision I ever made in my entire life. We both knew we could not go on like this anymore. We had to move on, but only one of us will survive. He chose me. I argued. He had the purest heart on earth but then he chose me. I was a mess, still am. He was the one who think sunshine is out from God’s butt and we have to live everyday with joy blahblahblah. But, he chose me.
Why? I asked. Why?
Because I love you.
Spare me another bullshit, please. I’m dying of it.
Haha I think I got enough tickets to heaven right now. You? I don’t think you have any.
Seriously, dude.
I am fucking serious. Look, sugar, everyone comes down to live with purposes, even strangers like us. I have found my purpose, and I have also completed it. What is the point of living any much longer, anyway? You are the one who needs to live any much longer. You need to find your purpose, and accomplish it. Basically, you need more time, and I am giving it to you.
Who died and made you the next Oprah?
The future me. Haha.
“Excuse me, Sir. You finished?”
That annoying barista annoyed us again. I once swore to you that I would yell at him once he interrupted us again, so this time..
“Do I look like I am fucing fini-“
“No no,” he cut my burst, “take the glass, it is okay.”
There, my least favorite part from this. That annoying barista almost always looked down to us. His eyes were always filled with pity and pity irritated me. Ergh, I just hate people.
When I’m gone, you really have to learn how to be nice. I wont be there to save your ass from being kicked out from, yea, everywhere. People need each other to live, sugar.
Who died and made you a sociology teacher?
And then he laughed. As always. Laughing my sarcasm out. But I knew, at that day, I really had to start letting him go. No matter which one of us would die, at the moment I knew we were going to be parted. I hate feelings, but I will not forget the feeling on the days of our separation
It was a cold night, and we both were laying down on the bed. I was scared. I was so scared that night. I felt like something bad was about to happen, but I had no idea how to stop it. My tummy flinched, and my throat dried. I wanted to puke but I could not. I bit my lips all the time.
I just could not stand the idea of saying goodbye to him and saw him slowly disappear from my life. One thing I promised him not to do; I wont cry.
And when I woke up the next two days, I cried myself dry.

-

I was hiding in his darkest place, although he used to say I was his light. It was all started when we were a little. Well, to be fair, when he was a little. He found me whenever he played alone.  When he lost mom because of the divorce, I guess that was when he finally found me. At first, it was scary to talk to him. I felt weird, and I did not think it was right. When I was hiding, I began to question myself. What was I? What was I doing? I was the parasite, but he welcomed me to his life.
I always knew I was a fucked up kid. I always knew there was something wrong with me. I always knew that, and I had been waiting for the wrongness to come. But when you came, I actually felt like you were one right thing in my fucked up little world.
I don’t even know what I am. How can you be so sure if this is a right thing to do? I mean, if I were a different person, I would say we were sick.
And congratulations for being Miss Judgmental of the year! Oh come on, why do you care about how it feels for other people? What do you actually feel? That is the matter.
I actually froze when he said that.
Days went by as I went stronger and bolder. I was now a real part of him. I actually felt like our life was a big hide-and-seek game but we knew we could not win.

-

December 21st, 2005.
It has been raining all day as my cab is heading towards mom’s apartment. She invited us to come, said that she will explain everything. He ignored it, and said he would be sleeping today. Little that he knows, I am now able to wake up without him realize. He doesnt know I'm going, and lets just keep it this way.
His pain is my pain, but my hatred is not his. I hate mom for letting him down, and I hate him for not hating mom. Wait, who am I kidding, I can never actually hate him. I urged him zillion times to avenge, but he always said revenge is not gonna help.
My cab finally arrives, and I stare at the apartment. I see the playground and the swimming pool. Do you take your new kid there, mom? Playing with the seesaw, and watching your new kid build a sand castle? Do you do all of the things we used to do? Do you also make promise to be beside your kid forever? Do you also say forever?
A painful feeling of being replaced awakes deep inside of me. Sigh. I have to move on, and I have to do this. I get into the elevator and press mom’s floor. In a minute, she is already there when the elevator opens.
I sit at the couch, and stare at the photos mom hangs on the wall. There are some photos of us. Pfft, perhaps she hangs it just before I got here. Attention whore. She is still a betrayal, and none is going to change that.
“I actually didn’t expect you to come.”
I smile, and sip my tea. I stare around the room, and find no one. She notices.
“No one is here, just you and me. They are off to the grocery store.”
“Well, I really want to see your new family.”
“You are my family.”
I give her a quick laugh. She can feel the sinister roars up from me.
“Yeah. So how are you? You never return my call, or my text. Don’t you miss me?”
“Been busy.”
“Hows school?”
“As usual.”
“You are mad.”
“No.”
“Yes you are.”
She gazes with her round brown eyes, the eyes that he adores the most. We got pop’s eyes, boring black drunk with less spark compared to mom’s eyes.
“Honey…”
I am stoned. Doubt has poked me. Should I do this or shouldn’t I?
 “Honey, you have to understand. People make mistakes. I know I am wrong, I don’t need you to understand, I just need you to not distance yourself from me. I am your mother, and you are my handsome little guy. I am not going to love you less, honey. You already have my biggest love ever and forever.”
I smile. Then she smiles.
I walk down the hall, and take a deep breath. She is reading a magazine, I can see her back from here. Taking a deep breath, I grab a vase and walk toward her back.
If you truly love us at all mom, if you truly love him, if you truly love your little guy, you should never have left in the first place. You should never betray us. How come you can still say forever while you are cheating on us?
“Why did you mess forever, mom?”
Before she has the chance to turn her head back to see me, I hit her head over and over again.
Don’t look back, mom. We shall never look back.

-

The santa is coming, and Christmas song is roaring from this mall’s lobby. It sucks to work a night shift on a holiday, but what can I say? Half of us are celebrating Christmas.
I have no idea why some people still prefer to be alone in this kind of time. In my place of work, this coffee shop, it is common to see people without company. But if it was me, in spite of being alone in holiday at public place, I would rather stay at home, watch some movies and order a pizza. From their looks, I bet they all have a nice place to live. Especially the man who wears Rolex watch, and that usual particular person who loves to see the view outside.
I know, it is strange for people to describe someone with ‘person’ instead of that lady or that man. Nevertheless, trust me, I have my reason.
I was pretty amazed when she came, actually I am still amazed till now. I am pretty sure I know the face, but I just cannot remember who is she. Other baristas don’t know who she is, but they also reckon that her face is familiar. Like my red hair, they say, something’s rare. What is so wrong with my red hair, anyway? Its cool!
Right now she is looking outside. Uh, she is pretty. But there’s something scary about her I cant describe. I have no idea what is it, but she is creeping me out. But I cant stop staring at her.
Until she stares back at me.
That is when I remember who she is. Those eyes! Those lifeless eyes.
She used to come here but never said a word. Its been months, but I know its her. I have seen those eyes. Her hair grows longer, and she uses a bit make up. She feels different, but…
Now I see what is actually creeping me out from her.
I am quite sure, she used to be a he.

X

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