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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I know it is not fair for me to put all blames on you

This has been a hard month. I dumped you for like, 5-6 times but you always came asking me to think straight. You cried. My heart was broken. The last time was just days before my boarding. We sat on our usual coffee shop table. I was looking down the street, tired of having an endless argument with you. You asked 'kalo sekarang aku minta kamu balik ke aku dan kita pacaran lagi kamu gimana?' and some words like 'jawab dong' 'kok diem' but I stood by my silence. I really did not know what to answer. Seriously.

After what seemed like forever, you suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me into your hug. You whispered 'jangan marah lagi ya sayang' and kissed my cheek.

I could cry in any second.


Friday, July 26, 2013

This is how you lose her

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets. You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention. She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting, she wants you to stayWhen you make her feel inadequate, she wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her. You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

This is how you lost me


Monday, July 15, 2013

Aku sangat marah. Aku bahkan tidak ingin melihatmu, yang duduk di sebelahku. Kita sedang makan di  smoking area Burger King Tebet Green. Kamu menawari untuk menemaniku makan karena semua orang puasa, kecuali aku. Kamu menjemputku seperti biasa, lalu aku memelukmu.

Namun aku marah. Sangat marah, atas kesalahanmu yang terus saja berulang. Aku memaksa ingin pulang. Kamu memelukku begitu erat hingga badanku terasa sakit. Lalu kamu memeluk pinggangku, kepalamu di samping perutku. Kamu terdiam. Aku juga.

Lalu, aku mendengarmu tersedu. Aku merasakan kaosku basah. Kamu menangis. Sambil sedikit berteriak.

'Aku nggamau putus dari kamu. Aku nggabisa. Aku nggabisa gaada kamu. Aku nggamau jauh dari kamu, satu menitpun. Aku cinta sama kamu. Jangan tinggalin aku.'


Friday, July 5, 2013

Inseparable (fiction)

This is the most beautiful story that I have ever told. My mother tells me that true love only comes one in a lifetime. I reckon that. I only love one man in my life. Have you ever been so in love you consume it as your breath? Have you ever been so in love that all madness in the world seems reasonable, as long as your you have him on your side?
I first met him when we were still kids. His mother, the Queen of Trojan, loved to throw this party and she always invited my family. My mother always made me wear those beautiful dresses and put a ribbon in my hair. Those dresses made me hard to breathe, and I loved the ribbons. I loved the way it gave colors to my head. I always tilt my head just to feel the ribbons in my hair.
But, since you said my pink ribbon was cute, I loved my ribbons more than I used to.
You sat beside me and said my pink ribbon was cute. I then blushed. You always knew how to make girls blush, didn’t you?  I should have known. You gave me a leaf from the tree upon us that looked like a flower. A cute leaf for a cute lady with a cute ribbon, you said. From that moment, I knew I loved you before I even started to.
Mother said in the future, I would be your wife. We were destined to be husband and wife. When my father died protecting your father, my mother said your family had a debt. Having me as the future lady would cover it all. She also said I should spent time with you more, because in order to be a good wife, I had to know who was my husband. Since that day, I spent years wander around you. Watching you study, hunt, eat. And when we finally turned 20, we got married. Have I told you that our marriage’s day was the day of my life?  I still remembered every little thing about that day. My rose petal, your new sword, and our sacred vow. Marrying the love of my life, what could I ask for more?
How could I have known?
You were beautiful. We were beautiful. I could stay awake and watched you sleep forever. Your mother said she wanted grandchildren as soon as possible, because you were the only child, and there had to be someone to sit at the throne after you. So we started praying for little babies. We waited.
We waited and waited and waited. For days, weeks, and months. And years.
Were you growing tired of waiting, my love? Because that was when everything started to change. The family started to pressure me. They even promised Gods they would give anything if only their only son had a child. I cried, and I begged the Gods to give me child. I would do anything if they only gave me a baby.
God answered, I was finally pregnant. I was so happy that I cried. You held me and kissed my forehead; patience was always the cure of all suffering, my lady, you said. We then waited again. We waited until this flower of our love finally bloomed.
I actually was scared. I promised Gods I would give them everything, but the Gods had not asked for anything. He, on the other hand, unhesitatingly gave the prize of a contest in which Ares in bull form had bested his own prize bull. The Gods were happy about the gift, and he was known of his fairness. I did not know why, but it scared me. We, as mortal, were just like toys for Gods.
That day answered my fear. That day, when Zeus came down to our place to look for you. Zeus said he needed your ‘exemplary fairness’. He said there was this party and a gold apple came. The apple was intended for the fairest, and Zeus could not decide which ones of the Gods that was the fairest. Was it his wife, Hera? Was it the Gods of War, Athena? Or was it the Gods of love, Aphrodite? Zeus put the golden apple in our place, and said the Gods would be looking for the answer. He also said, the Gods did not love to wait.
That night, the babies were born. Yes, the babies. We had twins. Who would have known? But then, my second fear was also answered. Eris came. She asked for my little girl, and said it was the price I should pay for Gods’ answer. She said no one from Trojan has to know I had twins, especially my husband. She also said my little girl would be growing up in Greece. I wanted to say no. I wanted to fight. But, who was I in front of Gods? If this was the price, so I had to give in.
She said, I would be seeing my little girl again. My husband was destined to bring her back home.
I knew something bad would happen.
Days later, he was invited to go to Greece. The night before he went to Greece, the three Gods were coming. First appeared Hera, for her hair was ordered with a white diadem, and she carried a sceptre. The sign that she was Zeus’ wife. Then come Athena; her head was covered with a gleaming helmet which was itself crowned with an olive-wreath. She brought a shield and brandished a spear. After them Aphrodite entered, her beauty visibly unbeatable. She showed her unblemished beauty by appearing naked and unclothed except for a thin silken garment veiling her entrancing lower parts. Hera offered to make him king of Europe and Asia, Athena offered wisdom and skill in war, and Aphrodite offered the world's most beautiful woman. I did not know what Aphrodite did to him, but he chose her.
I ran out of words.
Aphrodite’s dancing was followed by the anger of Hera and Athena who directly went out from our place. I was standing outside. My legs were shaky, and I could not even cry a single tear. It was like, my happiness was taken away from me. My husband, my dear loving husband, accepted the offer for getting the most beautiful woman in the world. Why? Why would he do that? I stared at him as he walked out the door without giving any glance towards me. I did not believe that was my husband. The gods must be playing with us. I would not gonna let they take my sunshine away. No, I would not.
I could play God as well.
Besides, I told you that this was the most beautiful story, right?
The cold from that night could not stop me from running outside.


I did not understand my husband. Leaving the judgment of who was the fairest among all into one mortal hand? Did I really marry Zeus? That Zeus? I knew how he was always avoiding conflicts (especially if it had something to do with me but whatever) but I had no idea if he could be this stupid. That mortal, what was his name? Paris? He was just that boy who entertain Zeus because he could slap Ares in his face. I actually did not know the details, I was busy chasing down Leto. Rgh. That slut. How dare she kept her baby after she seduced Zeus to sleep with her? I kicked her out of the earth while Zeus praised that mortal very much and it was me who was crazy? Ha?
I actually wanted to look for her again but then I heard a call from Trojan. Interesting. It was that mortal’s wife. I wonder what she wanted to do with me, but I guess it would be interesting. When I came down, she looked at me. Now I understand why that mortal wanted to be with a beautiful lady. \
‘What do you want, mortal?’


The war of Trojan had ended. I saw everything from Qui Island, one of Hera’s sacred place. Yeah, I was Hera’s servant now. Hera got what she want, the blood from unholy bound between a father and a daughter. She said it was one of the ultimate tribute a Godess could had. So I told her my little daughter was taken by Eris to Greece, and Hera swapped the woman who was sent by Aphrodite into my little daughter, who magically turned 20. She was dead. It was okay. I got what I want anyway. Paris. Beside me.
“You know he’s dead, right?”
Another servant, Illius, asked me. While hugging Paris, I smiled, and nodded slowly.
Until now, we are inseparable.
It is a beautiful story, right?

{This is a rewriting from Helen of Troy's folktale}


Finale [fiction]

But you don’t know what I feel. You never do. You always yell at me about every little thing; how my hair is frizzy; how your tea is too hot, and how its not warm enough; how puffy my eye bags are; even how noisy it gets when I open the door. You always complain about everything, You always tell me to read more books, watch more news, eat more vegetables, drink more milk. You always tell me to do this and that.
I feel more like an investment that you need to prepare in every particular thing than your servant. You try to fix everything about me so that I’d be your good stake until you are ready to sell me anytime you want. What actually do you consider me as? Your son? Or are you just bored and need something to play with
Anyway I know you have been secretly dating my father. I always know. Do you know that I know?
When my father first brought me to your house, I was happy. I have never seen such a lovely house. Your house is this big building made from woods and have a big grass yard and is surrounded by pines. I love woods, I always do. Okay, I also love grass. And pine. I love your house. This house is just.. lovely. No better word. He said we would live here as your servants. Do you think I would buy that crap? Never did, never do. I used to think it was strange. It was just yesterday when I saw the news about that billionaire who fell sick and was disabled due to the stroke. The next day my father took me to his house, and introduced me to the wife. Suddenly, we all moved here. It was strange, but now I know why. I know how my father sneaks out almost every night and comes back in the dawn from your room. I see how you two look at each other. I know it. You both are disgusting.
Just now, I saw you both holding hands. I was just delivering tea to your room again (after you complained that you did not like the cup, whatever) and my father was there. Holding your hands. I intentionally dropped the cup, and ran out from the room. I just could not stand the idea of you two being together. How sick is that? You have a husband, for God’s sake! And you both are like, what, a hundred years old? Don’t you guys have other things to do beside feeding your lust like, I don’t know, praying or knitting or watching tv or playing chess for example?
I slammed the door and I did not care.
Today is my birthday, and you both have just ruined it.


I bet he doesn’t know what I feel. I can tell by his eyes that filled with hatred. I always yell at him about every little thing; how his hair is frizzy; how my tea is too hot, and how its not warm enough; how puffy his eye bags are; even how noisy it gets when he opens the door. I always complain about everything, I always tell him to read more books, watch more news, eat more vegetables, drink more milk.  I always tell him to do this and that.
Of course, I love him.
I want him to grow up to be a gentleman. I want him to be clever, and handsome, and healthy. I want him to be able to take care of his own. I want him to know how to act. I want him to have a wide knowledge. If only I can do it nicely.
When you first bought him to me, I was shocked. And thrilled. And confused. And happy. All at the same time. I could not believe I finally met him. The last time I saw him was when he was still a new-born. You directly took him away and both of you were gone. I know that it was something we both agreed at, but that did not mean it did not hurt. You always say how he has the same taste like me; how he likes the house, how he loves to arrange everything, how he loves to control everything, even how easy for him to be angry. He is indeed just the same as me.
Anyway, I know he knows you are my lover. Why would I not? He always pouts everytime I speak to you. Let him, I once said to you. Let him know and let him wonder, because what he does not know would not hurt him. At least not now. Perhaps it is better if he does not know at all, right?
This noon you came into my room. You looked so tense. I know what you were feeling; you were still in doubt. I smiled, and held your hands. Honey I love you, and I want you to do this for me, only you, I said this for the hundreds time. I ensured you how this was the best for all of us. You rejected. Your eyes looked teary.
He just dropped the cup and slammed the door.
Okay honey, if you don’t do this, you will lose us both, I said.
Anyway, happy birthday, young man.


She is crazy. I have been known from the very first, but still this is the craziest thing she wants me to do. Isn’t it enough for us to be together? What else does she possibly want?
Unless she has bought us all tickets to be together there, I’m not gonna take her to afterlife.
I decided to meet her this noon, I said it all. I said, honey this is finally a peaceful moment for us. Finally we can get your husband off of our back. You tried so hard to induce his stroke so that he is the same as dead for these years. I finally got in the house. I finally got to be with you. We finally live together. Aren’t these enough for you?
Of course, honey, she answered. Honey I love you, and I want you to do this for me, only you, I said this for the hundreds time. I ensured you how this is the best for all of us.
She kept saying that from the first time she asked me and I never did understand. I never do.
He just dropped the cup slammed the door.
Okay honey, if you don’t do this, you will lose us both, she said.
I stood in silence. You gazed.
Honey I am old. I am sick.  This cancer has been eating me, and I really really dislike the feeling of being sick. I am weak. I hate being weak. These pills that they give only cover the pain. They don’t cure me, honey.
She held me hands tighter, meaning she did not want me to interrupt.
I have nothing left to lose now. I made a mistake, honey. I should never bail on you. I should never be married with him. I should have been able to stand up against my family. I thought by having a baby with you, my mother would accept us. But I was wrong.
Reconnecting with you was my sweetest sin. After me and him got married, I never thought I would see you again. Years gone by. I finally gave him a daughter. I thought that was it; I thought me, him, and her would live just like that until the end of time. But then you came back. Telling me that our son was alive. I thought he was dead, you told me he was dead! So I have a daughter from him, and I also have a son from you. It makes me happy in some weird way, honey. I have always wanted to have a pair. Aren’t we?
Honey, I beg you. I beg you to do this. I have written a letter saying that my legacy will be divided into two, my daughter and my son. Yes, it may come as a surprise for everyone that I actually have a son but I think it is time for people to know the truth. Take it as his 20th birthday gift. Quite an angry boy we both have, no? I also need you to explain everything to him. Tell him I love him, and I’m sorry for being so hard on him. Tell him I regret every minute of us being apart. Tell him it kills me everyday to know I once threw him out of my life. Tell him sorry, but I just cant bear to look at him without feeling guilty. I am mad. I am pissed to myself, but I throw it all to him. I am really sorry fot that. Please tell him.
She held both of my hands, and had her final words.
Honey, please kill me.


Separation [fiction]

Its Christmas Eve, and I am alone with my headset on at this coffee shop, the place I abandon for the last two months. John Mayer is playing along, and outside is now raining.
People say, letting go is so much easier than moving on. Well, to me, in order to move on, you have to let go. By letting go, I mean letting go in a complete way.  Letting go means accepting that things are sometimes do not go the way we want them to be. Letting go is not to fix; some things are better off their own way.
Letting go means learning that sometimes, in life, people grow.
Sadly, they grow apart.
Sometimes you just lay there and something reminds you of the good times you used to have. You ask yourself was this a right decision or not. You keep thinking and wondering if you made a mistake by stepping out, or you should have been fixing all the messes.
I keep thinking about him. I miss him, of course, but I just cant go back and pretend if nothing has ever happened. I wish nothing had happened, tho. I wish we were not supposed to be like this. How I wish, I wish, and I wish, but my wish isnt going to make any differences.
I wish I could still wish it was over.
There are indeed some empty spaces in my life that I have to fill, like the tendency of talking to him everytime I want. Fighting over a silly thing like how he insisted on me stopping my stupid diet and how I hate his smell when he went to play football.
He had been the only thing in my life that kept me sane for these last 25 years.
And now I have to complete my own sanity.
By seeing how many espresso glasses I have spent this afternoon, regaining my own sanity has started badly.
The red haired barista has always looked at me in a curiosity whenever we meet at this coffee shop. You know the thing about coffee shop that I love the most?  It is the place where I can be alone but not feel lonely. I love to sit, sip my coffe, listen to John Mayer, and stare outside. The view from this place is adorable. When it is afternoon, the sky will look like a big sea that has soft wave with the colors form a beautiful ombre. When it is night, the city lights will march along with the cars’ lights that move in different speeds. I can stare at the view for hours, drowning in my own thoughts, ignoring the world outside, getting lost in the way.
It is so boring. What is so interesting about sky anyway, he always said.
The sky never changes, I answered.
I don’t even know what changes are you talking about but it sounds boring, he then sighed.
I smiled, and stared at the sky again.
Well, I said, no matter if the color changes, the cloud disappears, the thunder cracks, the rain falls, the sky will always be there whenever I look up. No matter how scary it was yesterday,  it will always be there when I look up.
Of course you silly, it is a part of the earth, he replied plainly.
Sigh. Those conversations I miss. Terribly. It has been days since we parted. I am not a people person so when I lost someone, I kind of lost some part of myself. Only few people can ever get to be a part of my life. Most people suck. I hate people anyway. They really, really suck. He was the one who always been a social butterfly. When he did that, I usually hid in the corner and watched from the distance.
You know what I love from crowd? The mixed emotion I feel, he once told me.
You know what I love from crowd? I asked him back.
I can notice everyone without anyone notices me.
Ha. Emo.
Shut up.
Letting him go is probably the toughest decision I ever made in my entire life. We both knew we could not go on like this anymore. We had to move on, but only one of us will survive. He chose me. I argued. He had the purest heart on earth but then he chose me. I was a mess, still am. He was the one who think sunshine is out from God’s butt and we have to live everyday with joy blahblahblah. But, he chose me.
Why? I asked. Why?
Because I love you.
Spare me another bullshit, please. I’m dying of it.
Haha I think I got enough tickets to heaven right now. You? I don’t think you have any.
Seriously, dude.
I am fucking serious. Look, sugar, everyone comes down to live with purposes, even strangers like us. I have found my purpose, and I have also completed it. What is the point of living any much longer, anyway? You are the one who needs to live any much longer. You need to find your purpose, and accomplish it. Basically, you need more time, and I am giving it to you.
Who died and made you the next Oprah?
The future me. Haha.
“Excuse me, Sir. You finished?”
That annoying barista annoyed us again. I once swore to you that I would yell at him once he interrupted us again, so this time..
“Do I look like I am fucing fini-“
“No no,” he cut my burst, “take the glass, it is okay.”
There, my least favorite part from this. That annoying barista almost always looked down to us. His eyes were always filled with pity and pity irritated me. Ergh, I just hate people.
When I’m gone, you really have to learn how to be nice. I wont be there to save your ass from being kicked out from, yea, everywhere. People need each other to live, sugar.
Who died and made you a sociology teacher?
And then he laughed. As always. Laughing my sarcasm out. But I knew, at that day, I really had to start letting him go. No matter which one of us would die, at the moment I knew we were going to be parted. I hate feelings, but I will not forget the feeling on the days of our separation
It was a cold night, and we both were laying down on the bed. I was scared. I was so scared that night. I felt like something bad was about to happen, but I had no idea how to stop it. My tummy flinched, and my throat dried. I wanted to puke but I could not. I bit my lips all the time.
I just could not stand the idea of saying goodbye to him and saw him slowly disappear from my life. One thing I promised him not to do; I wont cry.
And when I woke up the next two days, I cried myself dry.


I was hiding in his darkest place, although he used to say I was his light. It was all started when we were a little. Well, to be fair, when he was a little. He found me whenever he played alone.  When he lost mom because of the divorce, I guess that was when he finally found me. At first, it was scary to talk to him. I felt weird, and I did not think it was right. When I was hiding, I began to question myself. What was I? What was I doing? I was the parasite, but he welcomed me to his life.
I always knew I was a fucked up kid. I always knew there was something wrong with me. I always knew that, and I had been waiting for the wrongness to come. But when you came, I actually felt like you were one right thing in my fucked up little world.
I don’t even know what I am. How can you be so sure if this is a right thing to do? I mean, if I were a different person, I would say we were sick.
And congratulations for being Miss Judgmental of the year! Oh come on, why do you care about how it feels for other people? What do you actually feel? That is the matter.
I actually froze when he said that.
Days went by as I went stronger and bolder. I was now a real part of him. I actually felt like our life was a big hide-and-seek game but we knew we could not win.


December 21st, 2005.
It has been raining all day as my cab is heading towards mom’s apartment. She invited us to come, said that she will explain everything. He ignored it, and said he would be sleeping today. Little that he knows, I am now able to wake up without him realize. He doesnt know I'm going, and lets just keep it this way.
His pain is my pain, but my hatred is not his. I hate mom for letting him down, and I hate him for not hating mom. Wait, who am I kidding, I can never actually hate him. I urged him zillion times to avenge, but he always said revenge is not gonna help.
My cab finally arrives, and I stare at the apartment. I see the playground and the swimming pool. Do you take your new kid there, mom? Playing with the seesaw, and watching your new kid build a sand castle? Do you do all of the things we used to do? Do you also make promise to be beside your kid forever? Do you also say forever?
A painful feeling of being replaced awakes deep inside of me. Sigh. I have to move on, and I have to do this. I get into the elevator and press mom’s floor. In a minute, she is already there when the elevator opens.
I sit at the couch, and stare at the photos mom hangs on the wall. There are some photos of us. Pfft, perhaps she hangs it just before I got here. Attention whore. She is still a betrayal, and none is going to change that.
“I actually didn’t expect you to come.”
I smile, and sip my tea. I stare around the room, and find no one. She notices.
“No one is here, just you and me. They are off to the grocery store.”
“Well, I really want to see your new family.”
“You are my family.”
I give her a quick laugh. She can feel the sinister roars up from me.
“Yeah. So how are you? You never return my call, or my text. Don’t you miss me?”
“Been busy.”
“Hows school?”
“As usual.”
“You are mad.”
“Yes you are.”
She gazes with her round brown eyes, the eyes that he adores the most. We got pop’s eyes, boring black drunk with less spark compared to mom’s eyes.
I am stoned. Doubt has poked me. Should I do this or shouldn’t I?
 “Honey, you have to understand. People make mistakes. I know I am wrong, I don’t need you to understand, I just need you to not distance yourself from me. I am your mother, and you are my handsome little guy. I am not going to love you less, honey. You already have my biggest love ever and forever.”
I smile. Then she smiles.
I walk down the hall, and take a deep breath. She is reading a magazine, I can see her back from here. Taking a deep breath, I grab a vase and walk toward her back.
If you truly love us at all mom, if you truly love him, if you truly love your little guy, you should never have left in the first place. You should never betray us. How come you can still say forever while you are cheating on us?
“Why did you mess forever, mom?”
Before she has the chance to turn her head back to see me, I hit her head over and over again.
Don’t look back, mom. We shall never look back.


The santa is coming, and Christmas song is roaring from this mall’s lobby. It sucks to work a night shift on a holiday, but what can I say? Half of us are celebrating Christmas.
I have no idea why some people still prefer to be alone in this kind of time. In my place of work, this coffee shop, it is common to see people without company. But if it was me, in spite of being alone in holiday at public place, I would rather stay at home, watch some movies and order a pizza. From their looks, I bet they all have a nice place to live. Especially the man who wears Rolex watch, and that usual particular person who loves to see the view outside.
I know, it is strange for people to describe someone with ‘person’ instead of that lady or that man. Nevertheless, trust me, I have my reason.
I was pretty amazed when she came, actually I am still amazed till now. I am pretty sure I know the face, but I just cannot remember who is she. Other baristas don’t know who she is, but they also reckon that her face is familiar. Like my red hair, they say, something’s rare. What is so wrong with my red hair, anyway? Its cool!
Right now she is looking outside. Uh, she is pretty. But there’s something scary about her I cant describe. I have no idea what is it, but she is creeping me out. But I cant stop staring at her.
Until she stares back at me.
That is when I remember who she is. Those eyes! Those lifeless eyes.
She used to come here but never said a word. Its been months, but I know its her. I have seen those eyes. Her hair grows longer, and she uses a bit make up. She feels different, but…
Now I see what is actually creeping me out from her.
I am quite sure, she used to be a he.