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Thursday, April 25, 2013

Feelings

If you grow apart with someone you used to love, you will never really get over them somehow.

There will be a tiny place in your mind that tickles the feelings that you have been trying to bury deep down under. Sometimes, it only needs a flash of some particular things to remind you. When you listen to a favourite song or pass a certain place. Other times, it takes a great trigger to actually make you realize you still own those feelings. Like when you are filled with hatred because of the endless fights, you will realize you never actually hate them anyway.

The question is: what to do with the feelings?

Feelings are never a good friend of mine. I hate things that I cant control, and I never am able to control feelings. The far I got was controlling how I play hide-and-seek with those feelings. Well, to me, just because you feel it doesnt mean you have to show it, no? If you see me throw sarcasm at someone, doesnt mean I hate them. If you see me laugh with someone, doesnt mean I love them. Why bother with what I feel towards something if that only makes life harder to live?

The one who seems heartless usually has the darkest secrets deep down under.

Some say I am cold-hearted. Though I can be so friendly and never have any issue with socializing, I am a cold-hearted person. My mom said so. My bestfriends said so. My ex said so. Even my boyfriend also said so. I dont quite understand why they say I am cold-hearted.


cold-heart·ed (kldhärtd)

adj.
Devoid of sympathy or feeling.

Well, I am not devoid of sympathy or feeling. I feel feelings, but somehow I choose to ignore them. Or perhaps, not showing them. So, yeah, I kinda am, no? Does that make me a better person? I dont know. All I know is I grow up stronger everyday.

They say, if I dont tell what I actually feel, some will never understand why I do things that I did. I dont find the necessity to explain I do this because of this and I dont do that because of this. I know, big chance is everyone misreads me. Misreading can lead to misjudging, and misjudging can lead to screwing up my own name. Sometimes I just cant take it anymore and all I want to do is yell HEY LISTEN TO ME IT WAS ALL blahblahblah but well, I almost do. Only almost do.

Because later I understand, so what if people misread me? This is my life, and it is my problem. I dont have to explain how I solve my problems or how I react towards it. It is none of their concerns, and trust me, people actually dont really care about others. People are just eager to know, to judge, and then they forget. If people misread you, thats just mean they dont know you well enough to actually read you. And the highlight is, you can know which ones know you that well.

And some people just dont care about others' feelings.



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Thursday, April 18, 2013

I feel like my heart is ripped again and again from my chest.

And then, you always put a bandage on it, put it back at my chest, and sew it.

Here's the thing: 
I dont know if I can take anymore damages, so I have started to think if maybe I should just throw it and find a new one. 
It will hurt a lot, and the scars aint gonna be pretty.
It will bruise for some time, but it will heal.
Although it may be empty for a long time, it will heal.
I will heal.

Loving you turns out to be so hard.

X

Sunday, April 7, 2013

It was our usual saturdate. You picked me up at 6, and it was raining. We were looking for some place to eat when I saw Pizza Hut TMII, which has always been a beautiful place ( it has lights on the trees, know what I talk about? yeah) I ordered my all time favourite beverage there, green tea latte, along with cream soup because I could not chew. Usually, it tasted good, but atm it sucked. I said supnya ga enaaaak yek aku gamau makan and you answered mau makan apa kamuu? aku pengen ngajakin kamu ke Bogor sih sebenernya pengen cari makan disana aja and I said wah mau dong ronde kan enak ujan ujan anget anget. You giggled and said lebih anget meluk aku sih yang.

Wandering around Bogor, I was still hungry. I did not want to eat ronde because I wanted to eat meals not snacks. After googling delicious porridge in Bogor and feeling too lazy to search the address because of the traffic, he decided to take me into where the cafes are. We circled around few times, and after ini-kayanya-enak and ah-aku-gabisa-makan-itu-bim-tapi, we finally chose Rumah Apel, or Pia Apple Pie. It was a cute cafe with delicious food and it was surprisingly cheap. However, my favourite was the playlist. It was like giving my iPhone and asking them to play my songs. It was started with Saybia-The Second You Sleep, Yellowcard-Only One, Adele-Daydreamer, and finally they played the whole albums of Adhitia Sofyan. I sang along the songs quietly while I leaned on him. He hugged me. It was cold, and we finished all our meals. We were talking about Bali when Adhitia Sofyan's Number One was played. I said to him this song is dedicated for you and he was like he? and I started humbling.


I don’t mind if you hate Monday
We can make this like a Saturday
And all the fuss and whine will over
As we drive in to the madness

With breakfast on the go
We’ll dine on city lights
Didn’t I tell you to just sit back
Cause my girl, they all don’t matter (any longer)

Cause you don’t even have to try
You’re already my number one
I don’t need the mellow tunes
And all the lines you’ve wasted over me

I don’t mind if time goes too soon
We’ll stay up all night an make it slower
And when the morning comes between us
We’ll just get ready to start it over

Happiness is simply having someone to hug while this song is sung. 


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