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Saturday, December 28, 2013

Hello Flawless' Dupe!

Okayyyyy gue seneng banget belakangan karena akhirnyaaaa.... gue nemuin dupenya Benefit Hello Flawless Oxygen Wow! Say hello to my new baby: Loreal Lucent Magique


jadiii ceritanya gue ke Loreal pengen nyobain True Match, tapi mbak mbaknya bilang gue pake ini aja karena gue masih muda. Ini lebih enteng. Yaudah akhirnya gue terbujuk beli ini (lagian harganya murah, 110000 IDR kayanya deh ga rugi) dan saat gue coba di rumaaah...... maaan ini mirip banget sama benefit guee!!!! dan warnanya juga sama persis (gue pake Petal di Benefit dan no7 di Loreal) tapi harganya seperlimanya benefit :""""))))) gimana sih rasanya jadi gue? pengen nyium mba spg loreal rasanyah!!

recommended banget asli. coveragenya medium tapi buildable, but I must say coveragenya lebih bagus dari Benefit :O gue agak shock dan sedih sih. entengnya samaa, tapi awetan benefit sih beda 1-2 jaman doang. blendable bangeeeet palagi pake blender/sponge. serius deh ini foundation murah+bagus. repurchase fix! Gue jadi menganaktirikan Benefit gue karena sedih gitu gasih udah tinggal setengah :( dan kalo beli lagi gue kudu nyiapin kocek setengah juta lebih, sedangkan gue lagi berjuang sepenuh hati buat beli sephora make up academy. huft. thank you Loreal for creating this foundie :''))


X

Sunday, December 8, 2013

This is the last post I will dedicate to you

Desember 8, 2013.

Selamat 16 bulan, dan selamat menjalani hidup baru tanpa kugenggam.

Semoga kita tidak bertemu lagi. Semoga hidupku tidak berbenturan lagi dengan hidupmu.
Semoga.



X

Friday, December 6, 2013

Terima kasih ya

Maaf ya, aku adalah cewek yang cuek banget disaat kamu perhatian banget. Aku ga pernah nanya kamu lagi apa atau udah makan belum. Aku selalu ninggal kamu tidur. Aku jarang ngabarin soal sehari2nya aku. Kamu udah minta diperhatiin berkali-kali, cuma aku tetep aja gabisa ya.

Maaf ya, aku selalu minta kamu berubah padahal aku sendiri gabisa berubah. Aku emang self-centered. Maaf ya aku ga pernah mau ngalah walaupun aku salah. Maaf juga aku gapernah minta maaf sama kamu. Maaf aku orangnya pendendam. Maaf aku suka mendem perasaan. Maaf juga aku selalu dan selalu meledak dan ngebahas semuanya. Maaf kalo aku ga ngebuka diri aku setotal yang seharusnya sama kamu.

Aku juga ga ngerti aku gimana. Mungkin bener kata kamu, aku ga ngerti pacaran tuh kaya apa. Aku ga paham gimana rasanya punya hubungan yang seimbang. Mungkin aku emang masih bayi yang terperangkap di tubuh gede. Kamu selalu manggil aku bayi gede. Mungkin emang emosi aku setara sama anak kecil yang ga mau kalah dan cuma mau dipeduliin.

Aku juga gatau harus gimana sama diriku sendiri. Tapi mungkin emang aku ga bisa buat berubah jadi apa yang kamu pengen, yang udah kebukti selama hampir 16 bulan kita pacaran. Buat mikir ke depannya akan terus begini, aku sedih. Karna aku sendiri gabisa janjiin aku bakal berubah, Bimo. Maafin aku. Bukannya aku ga sayang sama kamu, tapi aku emang beneran gabisa bikin janji apa apa. Aku mau, dari pertama kita pacaran juga aku mau. Tapi kayanya aku ga bisa.

Maafin aku.

Terima kasih ya.


X

Friday, November 29, 2013

I annoyed you, and curled into bed. You chased me, hugged me and then tickled me. I ran out of breath and gave up. You kissed my ear and then my cheek and then when it was time for the lips, you paused a moment. You whispered 'I love you', and then finally kissed my lips. I was too stunned by how intense that felt I did not really kiss you back. I held back, and said those words back to you.

There are times when I feel like giving up on you, on us. Almost 16 months we have been messing with each other's state of mind, but how amazing is it for you to never, even once, decided to let go of me. No matter how bitchy I could be, how hurtful my words could be, how selfish I could be, and how unfair was it for you, you never let me go.

I know this is so cheesy, but all I can hear playing over and over again in my head is this song:

When you apologize, no matter who was wrong
 When you get on your knees if that would bring her home

Around 2 AM when I was going back to sleep after I opened my eyes because of I-cant-remember, I felt you hug me and kissed my forehead. I called your name to see if you were awake, but you did not. You hugged me in your sleep. How can I not love you?

X

Friday, November 22, 2013

hi @Urukyuu

My dearest girl, Ukky.

(is it kinda cheating how we use 'girl'? we're 21!)

You are the first bestfriend I had in junior high, even before I got close with Anin. Things start to change. You have always been that girl who is so hard to keep in touch with. That was why we call you alien, on the second place (well the first one was... you were a freak. so did I.  that was why we were friends) and now I am so happy seeing you finally befriend with internet :')

As I said to you previously, I read your blog from the newest to the oldest. You may have changed, in some ways, but I dont know why.. It feels like, to me, you did not change at all. You are just letting yourself free from all the pressures. I think, you have always been like this since the very start. A quirky introvert girl who puts up walls as a defense mechanism. The walls, now, are still exist (imo). You are just widening your safe zone; you are making paths to more views out there. Those walls are the ones that make you strong, but also make people hard to look into you.

I'd say, you know how to pick your battles.

I love the fact that you write. Reading your writings has always made me feel closer to you, and I'm glad that your writings look exactly like what I have pictured on my mind. It also makes me miss you even more. I cant believe I dont remember the last time we met. When was it? Have I grown old or has it been that long?


Anyway, I love you.

X

Thursday, November 21, 2013

for the first time in my life, I dont know

Today was supposedly a good one. Got no classes and went shopping and watched movies with my bestfriend. When I was on the way home, I read one email that, for me, was an embarrassment. It has been a while since I wanted to resign from my current workplace, but I just pressed it down inside. This time, I really wanted to resign. The one-month notice I already typed and drafted on my email. All I need to do now is just to click send button.

But, the problem is..

I just dont know. I dont know if resigning is the right decision. I dont know what I will do next if I decided to resign. I dont know how to act in front of my boss when we meet (because we will always do). I just dont know. And this is frustating.

I have always been that girl who has plans for everything, especially if its related to my future. Now, I dont have the idea of what I should do next. I guess what I have been doing now is turning into my comfort zone for too long I forget how it feels to take risks.

I just dont know what I have to do.




X

Sunday, October 27, 2013

I am sorry; I love you so fuckin much

I dont know how many times I have been crying these two days

Gilak. If theres an award about the most bitchies girfl I can sure win one. Yes, I am so selfish. Kmrn tetiba ngambek ke Bimo dengan alasan superkonyol tp ttp aja gue ngambek bete diem. Dia udah ngebaikbaikin berkali-kali but still I was so so so so bitchy. That got to the moment where Bimo yelled and punched his own chest saying 'sakit rasanya nar gue ngerasanya sakit sesek'.

I cried even harder.

Gosh. I am crying while typing this. In the office. My works arent finished and I am drowsy but I. just. need. to. write. this. down. cz. I. need. to. lose. up.

Gue buang muka, sandaran di kaca mobil, dan gue nangis silently. I even bit my finger to hold the noise. I cried because I felt stupid and silly and guilty. Gue terus usaha buat berhenti nangis karna I needed to calm down and apologize to him. Satu sisi juga gue takut banget bcs he screamed and yelled and punched himself, but I knew I had to apologize.

He tried to hug me.

Disitu harusnya ky udah bersyukur banget dia ga bentak gue ngatain 'nangis terus lo bisanya' but instead he hugged me, and I was still SO STUPID. I just. Idk whats wrong with me, gue malah teriak 'gamau lepasin aku gamau dipeluk sama kamu blahblahblah aku takut sm kamu blahblah' pdhl di otak gue tuh anjir ini orang knp baik banget :"( dan dia kaya ga peduli mau gue katakatain kaya apa juga he still tried to hug me and calm me down. He said 'maafin aku sayang aku bikin kamu nangis. aku juga udah maafin kamu. aku udah gamau bahas ini lagi. udah ya sayang jangan nangis. nanti cantiknya ilang. mana katanya nara cantik. udah ya sayang maafin aku ya.'

d'oh I'm still crying while typing this. Harusnya gueeee yang minta maaf ke dia. Harusnya dia ngamuk ke gue. Kenapa dia malah kaya gitu. I still feel so stupid and guilty and bitchy and all; I am the worst girlfriend anyone cud ever had. Knapa dia mnt maaf karena ngerasa sakit karena hal yg gue lakuin? Its like, 'forgive me Nara to get mad and feel hurt over the stupidest thing you always do' ya ampun......... Masih sedih dan nyesek banget rasanya.

But it didnt stop right there.

Bimo selalu minta kunci kosan, ngebukain pintu pager, trus ngebukain pintu mobil gue dan ngegandeng gue dan nungguin gue ngunci pager sambil ngebantuin. Then, he always says 'I love you' before he gets back to his car that is always parked in front of my home. But that night, waktu dia nungguin gue ngunci pager, iPhonenya yang ada di dashboard mobil dicuri

T_______________________________________T

You cannot tell how messed up I feel when we both saw the CCTV from my home that showed a thief opened the car's door and stole it. right in front of my eyes. But I didnt notice. Hbs itu lsg ke kantor polisi dan br balik kosan lg jam set2 pagi. Since then, I cannot stop blaming myself for whatever happened. Gimana sih rasanya kalo jadi Bimo. Harusnya dia muak banget sama gue dan ninggalin gue. Instead, he hugged me and said 'jangan sedih kamu, nanti aku ikut sedih, aku ga nyalahin km sama sekali kok'

Gue nyesek banget rasanya. Gue belom pernah seancur ini ngeliat org yg gue sayang kena masalah, dan gapernah senyesek ini. Rasanya kalo bisa iPhone gue aja yang ilang, jangan iPhonenya dia. Gue yg lebih pantes dijahatin.

I dont even know how to end this post.




X

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Ive been in a really horrible mood these days.

I dont know, feels like everyone sucks. This day, I just had a mid term in a supercold building XII that froze my ass off. Never once did I thankful for the heat in Depok, but I was. Anyho, I decided to go to Kokas today. I really wanted to go to Starbucks and enjoyed my time alone. You know, I wanted to be alone but not lonely. Thats what coffee shops are made for, right? Heho.

Nevertheless, I was bored at Sbux but its still crowded to head back home so I went to Carefour and Sogo. I dunno why but grocery shopping tends to be so much more draining (the money outta my pocket). Well, buying make up also.

Quick advice: do not ever SHOP when youre in a bad mood bcs you might do something cray like I dont know, spending almost all of your savings? because yeah I freakin did. So I ended up calling Bimo and weeping about how much money I got left (which is none)

Anyway I just bought two of my shopping bucket list. Actually I bought more that two but yea others are pretty usual so yeah I'm just more excited about these two:

1. Revlon Kissable Balm Stain

I mean, how cute is this. Two of my friends were using it and I think it looks nice. It has a nice menthol sensation if you wear it, and it is pretty pigmented for a balm stain. I was actually aiming for NYX color lipbalm but that product was discontinued ;( how sad. Well this stain is actually very nice. I wear it directly after I got home (I know theres no point) but the color doesnt come off even after I eat. I have the 025 and it looks nice.

2. NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream
Ive told you how much I love this lip cream, and how I was actually aiming for the color lipbalm. Actually, Ive been eyeing this color for a pretty long time and I impulsively bought it. The color is soooo pigmented and not that matte and so gorg! I love red lips :3 but its actually kinda drying your lips so wear petroleum jelly or lipbalm before it. 

and other stuffs I didnt feel like talking abt :P

So, I am broke, but I am happy. A treat for myself for feeling so crappy these days. Mwah!




X

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

48 hours

So its been 48 hours since the last time I ate a meal. I mean, a proper meal. My last meal was 4 spoon of rice, a soup, and a fried chicken on the office at Sunday, 12.00 pm. After that? Only one small version of snickers (1/3 vers. of the real size) my friend gave me as a gift on monday.

I'm not hungry at all. I'm too busy feeling mad and disgusted to care about my appetite.

Yep. I'm mad. I'm not obsessed with skinny body, I eat whenever and whatever I want, and I am fucking obsessed to be right. That being said, I am obsessed to prove people wrong. Well some people just insulted me for being fat over and over again. They werent even my closest ones. And in fact, they are also fat. And ugly. And a friend of mine whom I told about this said that I wasnt gonna make it, be skinny, and it also hurts. I have never seriously tried a damn thing and now people act like I cannot do it. Well, guess what, you guys are freakin wrong.

You had me at 'you are never gonna make it, Nar' not 'you are fat'

So this is it. Me. Drinking mineral water and smoking and et cetera and still not feeling like eating. I will prove you people wrong so you guys can shut your fuck up and feel sorry because I will make you feel like shit for messing with me. For all I care, I dont care about you. I may be fat, but you are ugly (and fat). I can diet, and you can only go to hell.

X

Thursday, October 17, 2013

AVYW

Okay, this is the first novel that made me fall in love with Ika Natassa. After her 2 other book, I am officially drown into this delusional fantasy (you must know what I mean).

AVYW is like a coffe and cig in the morning: it just feels right.

The thing that I love the most is how Ika manages to explore the feeling of each character into such a complex web, but somehow feels so close to us. She is one hell of a soliloquy's writer. Reading her words is like starting a journey. We'd better fasten our seatbelt. She doesnt describe the feeling bluntly like using adjectives (e.g I am sad. I am happy) but she describes the atmosphere real well so the readers can also feel what the characters feel without any dictate. Yep, she doesnt dictate, she grabs our hands. She lets us peek into Andrea's eyes. We feel her pain, we feel her joy, we walk on her shoes.

The next thing that I love is her perfect plot. I wonder how many times she's been mixing and matching the plot so that the story goes well (or she didnt, well that only means she's gifted). The flashback of every particular scene is well-arranged. The timing of Radit and Ajeng fit the timeline. It bits when we last expect it to bit, so its perfect x))

Last, her taste. I seriously love her taste of jokes, foods, songs, clothing lines, etc. This may sound subjective but yeah we're on the same boat, honey! Haha. AVYW is witty. I love witty. And tasty. And expensive. Need I say more?

Well, I have to be fair. Theres this one thing that I dont really like about AVYW. The life is just too perfect. Both Andrea and Adji are quite perfect, and so do their exes. Theyre pretty, rich, and cool. I think Ika should create a character that has imperfection or troubled. That way, the story will be so much more realistic. Just saying, tho ;)

Okay, in my opinion, the characters should be:
Andrea : Pia Nasution. A hot mess.
Adjie : Oka Antara (bok kurang jawa sama beardy apa)
Radit : Reza Rahadian (!!) Total heartbreaker.
Ajeng : Acha Septriasa?
Firman : Junot. Plis bgttt hahaha
Tania : Sissi Pricilia!


X

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Perjalanan centil

Hal-hal yang gue demenin tuh selalu ganti-ganti. Dulu SMP, gue boros banget buat beli komik sama novel, sekarang sih novel doang. Itu juga udah jarang banget. Tapi sekalinya langsung borong makanya trauma ke bookstore sering-sering HAHAHA huf. SMA tuh apa ya? Duit abis buat urusan sekolah kali ya? Gatau deh, gapernah belanja banyak sih. Eh abis buat nonton pensi ini itu deng, sama teater disanasini. Daridulu juga gue bukan tipe anak yang sering belanja.
Satu hal yang belom berubah adalah I'm a sucker for good food. Gapernah bisa diet at all. Rela banget negluarin duit buat makanan enak. Sampe sekarang. Betah rasanya nongkrong di Kafe Korea kampus beli makanan yang rata-rata 30000-40000an. Itu aja pas ngampus, gimana pas jalan-jalan. Huf :"
Tapiiiii, belakangan sejak kuliah mulai demen sama make up setelah diajarin sama Clarissa Paramitha. Skin care juga, tapi gue dasarnya sih anaknya males jadi skincare pasti awet dan ujung-ujungnya ga kepake -____- sebenernya make up juga standar sik. I bought my first pallete at 2011 and it still lasts until now :3 jadi disini gue akan cerita step by step perjalanan centil-centilan gue (cerita ama siapa nar?)


1. Maybelline & La Tulipe

Ini adalah duo bedak yang gue pake waktu SMA. biasa lah, affordable drugstore product. Dulu suka sama clear smooth extra powder foundation yang ini :
CLEAR SMOOTH EXTRA
Pake shade ivory. Bagus sih mayan tapi ga terlalu tahan lama.Trus sama la tulipe loose powder yang gambarnya gue ga nemu di google. Pokoknya kotak putih gt trus ada lambang la tulipe diatasnya. Suka soalnya warnanya transparan dan enteng beutttttttz hahaha. Di maybelline juga pernah nyoba BB creamnya yang ini:

and for me, it sucks. Oily banget jatohnya di kulit gue dan susah diblend huhuhu ._.

2. Wardah

My mom is a huge fan of Wardah. Bagus sih, pernah nyoba palletenya juga walau ga beli :p pallete gue masih ada sih. Semua produk Wardah gue are sponsored by nte Alina so yeah.... ga rugi. Gue suka sama lipbalm strawberrynya wardah :D


Baunya enak banget, hydrating, works well with all my lipstick, and its colorless. Awet banget lagi. Punya gue belom abis-abis sampe skrg. Produk kedua yang gue repurchase terus adalah Wardah Sunscreen Gel :


Gue beli ini karena ini ada dimanamana HAHAHA jadi gampang belinya. Sunscreen andalan kalo ngampus setelah pake day cream. Murah lagi. Ga lengket juga, ga bikin bedak jd cakey. Produk ketiga dan favorit adalaaaaaahhh Body Mist yang Flame :

Ini murah dan enak dan awet, dan Bimo demen sama baunya. Gue juga sih :p yaaa karna parfum gue biasanya adalah parfum supermahal (B&B kids) jadi gapapa deh....


3. Revlon

Mulai kenal sama Revlon, dan bedak pertama yg gue beli adalah Microfine Whitening

and it was good. Lebih tahan lama dari Maybelline walau ga setahan lama itu hehe. Habis ituuu karna temen gue Cornelia Petrabella pake bedak tabur, gue juga jadi pengen coba bedak tabur. Akhirnya belilah yang ini:

Revlon Colorstay Aqua. Bedaknya enak, dingin banget dipake. Tapi gue kayanya ga bakat pake loose powder karna sering tumpah gitu hufff. Akhirnya balik ke compact. Dan upgrade dikit dari Microfine, gue beli Photoready:

dan ini adalah bedak favorit gue dari Revlon. Nutup dan awet bangeeeeetttt bedaknya sumpah deh. Agak berat sih tapi ya Revlon seberat apasih. Ini top deh pokoknya. Coveragenya itu yg gue suka, andalannya Photoready.
Jaman gue kerja rodi pameran dulu, tidur tuh kurang banget. Kantung mata dimanamana :" Jadi gue pun memutuskan beli concealer Photoready yang buat gue, still one of the best drugstore concealer of all time :D

Concealer ini bagus banget, creamy dan gampang bgt diblend. Top deh! Along with this, gue juga suka banget sama eyelinernya Revlon

Ini enak banget dipake. Gampang, awet, dan warnanya gampang diblend kalo mau bikin smokey eyes. Ga terlalu dark sih, tapi enough lah :)
Gue juga suka beli lipstick Revlon. Lipstik grade ecek-ecek dari Revlon yang murah tapi ga terlalu awet adalah Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick. Ini enak buat sehar-hari karena murah jadi ga sayang makenya cuma ga awet jadi kudu sering touch up. Ya overall sih one good cheap lipstick.

Lipstick kedua yang agak mahalan tapi ga mahal adalah Revlon Colorburst.

Gatau kenapa tapi dua kali gue beli ini, patah semua. Gatau gue yang barbar atau emang gampang beut patah. Ini lebih awet sih dari yg Lustrous soalnya lebih mahal juga. Walau ga mahal. Gue dulu suka switch tapi krn yg ini patah mulu, yg awet sampe sekarang ya yg Super Lustrous. Murah lagi.

Product Revlon yang sampe sekarang masih gue pake adalah Microfine buat sehari-hari karena lebih enteng dari Photoready, Eyeliner Colorstay, Lustrous lipstick, sama concealer Photoready. Walau sekarang concealer gue abis dan belom beli lagi karena masih pake BB cream yang buildable gitu jd coveragenya bisa dutakatik dan ga terlalu butuh concealer.

4. L'oreal

Satu-satunya produk L'oreal yang gue beli adalah L'oreal UV Protection SPF 50:


Ini aja gue dibeliin nyokap jadi gatau harganya berapa. SPFnya tinggi jadi gue suka, 50, jadi bisa ngelindungin kita selama 10 jam-an deh. Produknya cair banget, agak oily, dan ada warnanya. Dia juga ngeclaim bisa even out complexion jadi makanya produknya ada warnanya. Kadang kalo gue lagi buru-buru, gue cuma pake ini doang buat ngampus. Ga terlalu suka warnanya sih di kulit gue karena ga terlalu ngeblend, tapi lumayan lah. Downsidenya karena agak oily jadi kalo ga pake bedak ya agak kileng gitu huf udah sunscreen, ada warnanya lagi. But its okay, I somehow love the high SPF.

5. NYX

This is currently my favourite brand. Gue jatuh cinta sama NYX setelah beli Stay Matte but Not Flat powder foundation

harganya setingkat diatas Revlon deh. Tapi gue sukaaaaaa banget sama bedak ini, Awet dan coveragenya nutup. Hasil mattenya juga oke punya. I just love Matte finishing. Another product that I love is NYX Jumbo Eye Pencil :

Ini lucu banget kaya crayon, murah lagi, Serius deh murah banget. Punya di warna Milk sama Gold buat highlight sama undereye. Warnanya banyak bgt gue bisa gila. Recommended.
Product ketiga favorit dri NYX adalaaahhh Lip Cream. Ada dua, soft matte sama xtreme, but you know how I love matte

warnanya luculucu lagi. Bagus, tapi gue kudu pake lipbalm dulu pas make soalnya kering tar kalo nggaa.

6. The Body Shop

Ini adalah skincare pertama gue yang serius. Karna kulit gue normal, gue awalnya pake Vit. E Moisturizing Cream :

Gue pake day cream, night cream, cleanser, toner, sama exfoliating scrubnya. Enak sih bikin lembut gitu. Sayangnya yg di travel packaging gaada SPFnya, jadi biasanya gue dobel pake Wardah Sunscreen Gel. Tapi gue pernah tertarik sama Vit, C nya yang ada SPFnya:


ini enak baunya, enak bangeeeeett malah. cuma karena ini mahal :p dan gaada travel packagingnya gue jadi jarang beli lagi. Kenapa gue nyari travel packaging? karena gue anaknya ga rajin dan semuaaaaaa vit e gue yg gede bakal wasted karna pasti ujung2nya gue males pake. Daripada expired mending gue beli travel packaging, awet banget kalo gue yg make hehehehe :" satu set cuma 180.000 dan itu bisa awet berbulanbulan kalo gue.
Next, gue suka banget sama body mistnya Body Shop (yang kembaran sama Grita. dan Manda -_-)

yang strawberry enak bangeetttttt. Gue udah sakit ati sama body mist champagne walau baunya enak karna duakali ilang pas dugem padahal masih banyak khaaaahk jadi gue udah jarang beli champagne. ini juga salah satu repurchased product gue dr body shop. Next, gue suka banget sama lip and cheek stain nya body shop

warnanya bagus, merah bukan pink :3 dan ini juga selalu gue beli kalo abis walau awet bgt ga abisabis. Ini bikin kering sih, jadi pasti gue pake petroleum gel dl atau lip balm.
Belakangan, Jakarta panas banget dan setiap udara panas banget, gue gampang bgt berminyak di T-zone. Jadi skg gue pake Seaweed Treatment dari body shop dan GUE CINTA BGT SAMA KRIM INI o God

gue bisa pake daycreamnya doang tanpa pake bedak cuma ditambah sunscreen buat ngampus dan gue bebas kilap seharian :''''')))) gue bakal pake ini terus pokoknya sampe Jakarta turun salju hehe atau sampe Jakarta musim hujan, karena kulit gue bakal butuh dilembapin secara ekstra pake yg Vit E.

btw gue curiga bunglon kondisi kulitnya berubahrubah sesuai musim.

7. Faceshop

Gue dikasih Afrizal Kurniawan oleholeh bb cream dari Korea, yakni Magic Covernya Body Shop.

Warnanya ga terlalu masuk di gue jd harus ditutupin bedak.  Coveragenya juga medium jadi ga magic walau buildable. Harus 2-3 kali buat nutupin bekas jerewi. I'm done using BB cream tho.

8. Sephora

Gue dapet oleholeh dari sahabat gue yang tidak mau dipublikasikan namanya hahaha colorful duo eyeshadow-nya sephora yang black and grey

gue cuma bisa bilang: sephora bagus ya................. ga heran kalo mahal :"""))))) andelan banget kalo mau smokey eyes. nabung sekarang trus kalo uda ada duit beli palettenya ah :" abis bagusss. hu.

9. Benefit

Nah ini dia favorit gue sekarang dan bakalan gue repurchase terus. eng ing eng gue cinta mati mentok sama Hello Flawless Oxygen Wow Brightening Foundation

udahlah, buat gue ini perfect. emang sih coveragenya medium tapi sumpah dibuild berkalikali buat nutupin scars juga ga ngegumpel. shade gue petal, nomer dua paling terang dan itu cocok bgt di kulit gue. mahal sih...... mahal banget, at least for me (beli di spore sekitar 550000 IDR) tapi gue ga nyesel :"")))) awet banget parah 10 jam gue pake jg msh oke. gausah pake bedak juga ga masalah. and along with this, benefit gave me the sample of POREfessional pro balm

pas gue coba, ini bagusss. pori-pori gue di pipi gede banget ga wajar (kayanya karna ketarik pipi gue) dan ini bikin flawless finishing gitu di pipi. kayanya sih bakal prevent komedo sama redness sama jerewi juga karena pori2nya kan ketutup dari make up. belom tertarik buat beli sih, bukan primary need soalnya besok aja kalo udah kaya.





X

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Menikah

*Lagi mood nulis pake Bahasa, tho I'm still gonna write the English version (Medina anak ambisius)*

Semua ini salah Hana. Pokoknya Hana. Aku abis ngepoin blognya junior SMA yang udah nikah sama seniorku waktu SD yang satu antar jemput :'''] orangnya pinter nulis (thumbs up, dek Annisa F.) aaaand good writings always encourage you to write. So, here it is.

Semuanya bermula saat Bimo ngomong soal mau bikin tattoo 'naralea' di tangannya. Oke ini salah dia juga. Gatau sih dia serius apa engga, tapi reaksiku jelas kaget dan sangat tidak menyarankan hal itu terjadi. Yang nikah trus pada bikin tattoo aja kalo cerai rugi di duit, apalagi pacaran? Not that I wish we'd split up, but anything could happen, yo. I kind of forget what was I saying atm, but I know it was something related with 'kalo udah nikah sih gapapa' and it went 'yaudah yuk nikah yuk taun depan' dan lagi-lagi saudara ini hanya obrolan ngelantur pasangan muda abad 21.

ya kan Bim? ya dong? ya kan???? ._.

Not gonna lie, sering banget pikiran buat nikah terlintas di otak. Bukannya pengen apa apa, tapi.. Sejujurnya.. Pengen banget nikah muda itu dilandasi oleh fakta bahwa I've been working my ass off just to live, like really. Due to my health problems I was taking leave on September so I practically asked my dad to cover up for my kosan's tuition and used my savings to all my basic supplies; eat, transport, grocery shopping, etc. Beruntung banget Papa lagi bener jadi bisa dimintain buat bulan ini. Kalo lagi kenapa kenapa, mungkin gue bakal ngungsi di rumah Bimo sebulan haha. I feel so relaxed this month. Semester 7 bener bener a pain in the ass dan udah gaada wacana tidur cepet karena tugasnya banyak banget. Ga kerja sebulan bener-bener enak rasanya. Sempet doa sebelom tidur God, I wish I could be like this any longer tapi who am I kidding. These 21 years, I learned my lessons. The hard way. 
Itu yang bener bener bikin pengen nikah. Pengen rasanya ada seseorang yang bisa diandelin selain diri sendiri, because it is so freaking tiring and I just want to stop. Egois ya kalo pengen nikah cuma karena pengen ditanggung? :" But theeeeen I always am reminded of those dreams of being super rich independent single hot shot woman and I am torn (ignore this)

I also just want to feel a real family because I never really had one. Belakangan sering banget main ke rumah Bimo, dan disitu bener bener baru liat fungsi ruang keluarga itu untuk apa. All family sit together and watch TV and just talk, or not. Nonetheless, the silence is also comforting. My family used to be like that before the divorcee and bla bla. Since the divorcee, we moved into Eyang's house dan kita practically hidup di lantai dua. Mama doang yang sering main kebawah dan duduk di ruang TV bawah, tapi aku sama Ale tumbuh besar di keluarga yang kamarnya selalu lengkap. We both are what you say the apartment type. Kita bedua sukanya ngerem di kamar dan keluar cuma kalo mau ke kamar mandi dan ambil makan. Noted, ambil makan. Jadi makan pun di kamar. Apaan tuh meja makan, cuma buat tatakan makanan doang. Sampe skrg pun aku ga pernah sosialisasi sama siapapun itu yang satu kos bareng. Males. Ngapain. My place of living is my sanctuary. I build my anonimity long before I moved to Jakarta. Maybe I am enjoying being alone a little too much, the warmth of the family strucks me. 

Kalo liat anak-anak Teladan sih menikahnya belakangan banyak yang karena emang menghindari dosa, bukan memperbaiki dosa hahaha. Aku ga paham banget hukum-hukum islam dan di blognya si junior yg bahas hukum-hukumnya juga aku bacanya kaya 0979*&%iwgjvd2iucv so I wont talk much about that bcs I hate talking about something I dont really know well. Here in Jakarta, some of my friends had to get married iykwim. But then they look happy, and they say they dont really regret that 'trigger' to get married. Aku sama sepupuku udah sumpah gaakan nikah karena hamil duluan (kita bikin sumpah ini karna satu dan lain hal :p) dan amit amit gaakan kejadian kaya gitu amin amin dear God help me. Awalnya emg ga siap tp ya stlh nikah semua kepegang, kata mereka. It got me thinking:

Masa harus nunggu dosa dulu baru nikah?

Hufff satu sisi pengen nikah muda karena capek sama hidup yg begini amat haha (cuekin) tapi satu sisi pengen meniti karir dulu tanpa keganggu hahaha I know both can just be done together tapi aku gamau nikah kosongan, ga bawa apa2, ga punya harta apaapa. Minimal punya mobil sendiri sama apartement sendiri sih pengennya :p

Salut banget deh sama yg bisa ambil keputusan untuk nikah muda. Salut. Bener bener salut. I worship their courage. Tapi aku sadar, masih banyak banget hal yg harus aku lakuin that require my concerns. Dari yang paling sepele kaya ngelarin kuliah 3,5 taun dan wisuda Februari, cari duit buat ini itu, nyiapin buat Ale yang bakal ikut aku entah SMA entah pas kuliah, theres just too much.

Perhaps my life will be easier if I got a husband. Perhaps it wont.

However, I already have my Superman hahaha. Walau statusnya masih pacar tapi ngurusinnya udah numero uno deh. Contoh: barusan tetiba ngeline kalo dia naroh beras di plastik barang bawaan gue. Kaget ga? Diselipin bunga udah sering, skg lagi tren diselipin beras.

Well, I guess we all have different paths with different timings, no? :D



X

Monday, September 2, 2013

Midnight

We fought. You didnt text me for days because you never wanted to solve a problem by texts. You have always hated it. One thing that you didnt consider was I have also hated being ignored. You went hunting at your Vila with your friends and I was here, at Jakarta, feeling sick because of period and sore throat. You only texted at your last day there at 1.00 am said that your phone's credit was finally filled and then you texted me again at noon saying that you were on your way home.

Sunday evening. I took my 6.00 pm medicine, ate, and finally fell asleep. As usual, my phone was on silent mode (is it just me who literally putting my phone on silent almost all the time?) When I was awaken at midnight, I checked my phone. You called me 17 times and texted me 4 times. You were still calling. My voice was froggy and I was still pissed at you so I rejected it. I heard the duk-duk noise but I couldnt figure it out. You were still calling. Getting sick of it, I finally answered.

Apa?

Denger suara batu dilempar ke kaca ngga?

Iya.

Itu aku nglemparin jendela kamu. Aku dibawah. Turun sekarang. 

Now here came the migraine-source that even Aspirin couldnt treat. I washed my face and went downstair. I saw you and your tired face. We sat in front of the house. You just got home after 9-hours driving at 11 pm and you were already here at 12.06 am. Then we talked.

You know what images I played over and over again in my head when you caught me staring at you blankly?

It was when we were in travel to Jogja after my car crashed in Semarang. I cried the whole way because my mom was still mad at me (well, at my dad actually) so she did not show her caring when I told her about the accident. I cried, and I cried. You hugged me and whispered in my ear

Jangan nangis. Kamu punya aku. Aku sayang dan care sama kamu lebih dari mama papamu kok Nar.

Tho I knew it was a bull (yea like anyone ever outlove parents) but you comfort me.




You, are always fighting for me like nobody else.


X

Saturday, August 31, 2013

To always be there when I need you,
To always pick up my call,
To always listen even if I'm just crying at the whole conversation,
To always know me better than the mask I put on my face,
To always be able to draw a curve on my lips,
To always understand,

To be the most awesome bestfriend anyone could ever have,
Thank you.
I love you to the moon and back.

Happy birthday, sayang.
May all the years coming filled with gold.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

So we burst into colors and carousels

I left my house
Left my clothes
Door wide open
Heaven knows
You're so worth it, you are


Well, where do I start?

I have this habit to write down reflections throughout some particular events in my life. Sometimes, the words even suprise me, like, I dont realize I even feel that way and its like words capture my feelings better than my consciousness. Moreover, I always write something about August.

August, my dear beloved August, has always been comforting. Sometimes it is fucked up, but it is still comforting. Funny thing is August has always been my anniversary month throughout my two relationships. I cant help but expect for something good to double itself, right? Birthday and anniversary. One wrong step and both will be ruined haha.

So, its been twice that Eid mubarrak happened at August, meaning that I was at Jogja those times. Last year, I missed my flight back to Jogja that was supposed to be on early August so I spent more days here. with Bimo. That was when he got us together. This year, it saddened me at first knowing that my birthday and our anniversary would be spent apart from him. Luckily, he went to Jogja for 10 days to celebrate both :3 and those days made me aware about some things, and some feelings.

It all started when Bimo went to Semeru. He was supposed to climb Semeru for 4 days but at the end, he spent 5 days there. I am telling you I have never felt so desperate because of missing someone. 5 days without any texts, chats, calls, blergh. I really missed him till I cried. I slept all the time just to avoid seeing my iPhone that had been too quiet. On day 4 where he was supposed to go back but he didnt, his sister asked me where the hell was he. His family began to worry since he was expected to be back already. I answered with comforting guesses like 'perhaps he extended camping in Ranu Kumbolo' and stuffs but I myself was actually also freaking out. I tried to call the Ranu Pani post just to check if he already checked out or not. The next day when I missed his two calls, he texted me asking 'arent you missing me?' and I went straightly calling him. I yelled at him how dare he said I wasnt missing him. He giggled. I cried. I cried and I could only said 'dont go anywhere without signal again please...'

I only cry when I miss someone whom I really care about, like my mom, but then I cried because of missing him.

When we were at Jogja, he lived in an exclusive boarding room where my dad used to stay. One fine afternoon, me and Ale were there. Ale lent his Xbox because Bimo complained about his boredom and begged for like, a thousand times. When I messed around when he was playing Xbox, he didnt respond. I'm still sorry for being such a sensitive bitch but I really hated it :p and again, my childish ego came out. I decided to go home with Ale. He forbid me, and we fought. Well, basically, I stood my silence and gave him the despise look when he was sorting things out why the hell I suddenly wanted to go home. I didnt care. I almost ran out of the room when he suddenly closed the door and locked it. Then, he threw the key across the room. Hard. I was afraid. He has this quick temper (althought he never really was throwing them out to me) and I sat in the bed. He exhaled, and tried to hug me. I yelled 'leave me alone I didnt want to be around you'. He then sat in front of me. His body was shaking. Suddenly, he said something with tears in his face. 'You really irritated me. Why did you do that to me. Why you always made ma mad. Why you always triggered my anger. Why you always wanted to fight. I really wanted to be mad and explode at you but I really couldnt. I was compressing my anger until it felt really hurt on my chest. It really hurt until I cried. Why did you do this to me?'

I admit, I was being bitchy at that time. And when I said bitchy, I really meant it. I actually was amazed by how patient he was. And then it struck me. I really hurt him that bad, didnt I? I hugged him and said I was sorry for zillion times. I am still sorry, until now.

Last day at Jogja, he was so nervous of seeing my grandfather, or I usually call Aung. My dad and my cousing kept saying scary things about how Aung was..... well, conservative. Bimo got that impression that he really had to be perfect to be accepted by my Aung, and as we all know, Bimo is Christian and Aung is one religous moslem (he has Ponpes, that explains) Bimo was so nervous he didnt know if he was ready to meet him or not. When he finally picked me before we went to airport, Aung asked who was driving me home the other day. I answered by pointing at the outside, at Bimo. Aung walked outside. Bimo smiled (nervously).

 And then, it happened.

Aung asked 'Kamu serius sama Nara?'
Bimo "Serius, ung:
Aung " Sering-sering kesini lah kalo serius!"
Bimo "eeh iya ung siap!"
Aung "Bukan gimana, masalahnya dia nih banyak yang naksir, jadi bingung kan saya dia sama yang mana"
Bimo "OOOOO GITU YA UNG?"
Aung "*said to me* Awas ya kamu ganti ganti lagi"

And Bimo was bitched about both 'oo banyak yg naksir' and 'tuh awas kamu ganti ganti lagi kata aung' all way down to Bandara -_____- I smiled, and he smiled. Then he said 'if we go back to Jogja, your house is my first destination'.

Yesterday, we went to Bimo's house. Bimo's dad kept asking for me and kept saying how much he missed me. Bimo even showed his chat with his mom when Tante typed 'papa di rumah nungguin nara katanya calon mantu mau dateng hahaha'. Tante and Kak Indri were gone to Summarecon, and the three pf us (me, Bimo, si Om) sat down at Bimo's house and talked from A to Z. It was dark when Bimo told me we had to go to Citos. When I was walking outside, si Om asked me 'how do you call your dad? papa?' I nodded and he said 'kamu juga panggil om papa aja lah. panggil tante mama. besok kalo om berburu kamu nginep sini nanti bobok sama tante aja, oke?'

I froze. and I giggled.

I have never felt so in love. He sees me through my flaws, but he still wants me. I kept pushing him out of my life, but he held on. He holds on. I have never felt so wanted. I once asked God to give me someone who would never give up on me because I know it never is easy to love me, and then there you are.

You say that I was never a romantic, but you just dont know. I am a sucker at expressing feelings. You know how hard is it for me to look you in the eyes and tell you I love you. I am better with words, not direct conversation.

So we burst into colors
Colors and carousels
Fall head first
Like paper planes and playground games


So here it goes.

I love you. I love you so much. I love you although I dont say much, but I really do. I love the electric sensation I feel whenever you hold my hand. I love your smell whenever I bury myself in your neck. I love the tingling sensation whenever you kiss me. I love the warmth whenever you hug me. I love you more than you know and more than I say.


Thank you for giving me the opportunity to feel so much loved.



X

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I know it is not fair for me to put all blames on you

This has been a hard month. I dumped you for like, 5-6 times but you always came asking me to think straight. You cried. My heart was broken. The last time was just days before my boarding. We sat on our usual coffee shop table. I was looking down the street, tired of having an endless argument with you. You asked 'kalo sekarang aku minta kamu balik ke aku dan kita pacaran lagi kamu gimana?' and some words like 'jawab dong' 'kok diem' but I stood by my silence. I really did not know what to answer. Seriously.

After what seemed like forever, you suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me into your hug. You whispered 'jangan marah lagi ya sayang' and kissed my cheek.

I could cry in any second.


X

Friday, July 26, 2013

This is how you lose her

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets. You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention. She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting, she wants you to stayWhen you make her feel inadequate, she wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her. You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. 

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

This is how you lost me




X

Monday, July 15, 2013

Aku sangat marah. Aku bahkan tidak ingin melihatmu, yang duduk di sebelahku. Kita sedang makan di  smoking area Burger King Tebet Green. Kamu menawari untuk menemaniku makan karena semua orang puasa, kecuali aku. Kamu menjemputku seperti biasa, lalu aku memelukmu.

Namun aku marah. Sangat marah, atas kesalahanmu yang terus saja berulang. Aku memaksa ingin pulang. Kamu memelukku begitu erat hingga badanku terasa sakit. Lalu kamu memeluk pinggangku, kepalamu di samping perutku. Kamu terdiam. Aku juga.

Lalu, aku mendengarmu tersedu. Aku merasakan kaosku basah. Kamu menangis. Sambil sedikit berteriak.

'Aku nggamau putus dari kamu. Aku nggabisa. Aku nggabisa gaada kamu. Aku nggamau jauh dari kamu, satu menitpun. Aku cinta sama kamu. Jangan tinggalin aku.'

X

Friday, July 5, 2013

Inseparable (fiction)


This is the most beautiful story that I have ever told. My mother tells me that true love only comes one in a lifetime. I reckon that. I only love one man in my life. Have you ever been so in love you consume it as your breath? Have you ever been so in love that all madness in the world seems reasonable, as long as your you have him on your side?
I first met him when we were still kids. His mother, the Queen of Trojan, loved to throw this party and she always invited my family. My mother always made me wear those beautiful dresses and put a ribbon in my hair. Those dresses made me hard to breathe, and I loved the ribbons. I loved the way it gave colors to my head. I always tilt my head just to feel the ribbons in my hair.
But, since you said my pink ribbon was cute, I loved my ribbons more than I used to.
You sat beside me and said my pink ribbon was cute. I then blushed. You always knew how to make girls blush, didn’t you?  I should have known. You gave me a leaf from the tree upon us that looked like a flower. A cute leaf for a cute lady with a cute ribbon, you said. From that moment, I knew I loved you before I even started to.
Mother said in the future, I would be your wife. We were destined to be husband and wife. When my father died protecting your father, my mother said your family had a debt. Having me as the future lady would cover it all. She also said I should spent time with you more, because in order to be a good wife, I had to know who was my husband. Since that day, I spent years wander around you. Watching you study, hunt, eat. And when we finally turned 20, we got married. Have I told you that our marriage’s day was the day of my life?  I still remembered every little thing about that day. My rose petal, your new sword, and our sacred vow. Marrying the love of my life, what could I ask for more?
How could I have known?
You were beautiful. We were beautiful. I could stay awake and watched you sleep forever. Your mother said she wanted grandchildren as soon as possible, because you were the only child, and there had to be someone to sit at the throne after you. So we started praying for little babies. We waited.
We waited and waited and waited. For days, weeks, and months. And years.
Were you growing tired of waiting, my love? Because that was when everything started to change. The family started to pressure me. They even promised Gods they would give anything if only their only son had a child. I cried, and I begged the Gods to give me child. I would do anything if they only gave me a baby.
God answered, I was finally pregnant. I was so happy that I cried. You held me and kissed my forehead; patience was always the cure of all suffering, my lady, you said. We then waited again. We waited until this flower of our love finally bloomed.
I actually was scared. I promised Gods I would give them everything, but the Gods had not asked for anything. He, on the other hand, unhesitatingly gave the prize of a contest in which Ares in bull form had bested his own prize bull. The Gods were happy about the gift, and he was known of his fairness. I did not know why, but it scared me. We, as mortal, were just like toys for Gods.
That day answered my fear. That day, when Zeus came down to our place to look for you. Zeus said he needed your ‘exemplary fairness’. He said there was this party and a gold apple came. The apple was intended for the fairest, and Zeus could not decide which ones of the Gods that was the fairest. Was it his wife, Hera? Was it the Gods of War, Athena? Or was it the Gods of love, Aphrodite? Zeus put the golden apple in our place, and said the Gods would be looking for the answer. He also said, the Gods did not love to wait.
That night, the babies were born. Yes, the babies. We had twins. Who would have known? But then, my second fear was also answered. Eris came. She asked for my little girl, and said it was the price I should pay for Gods’ answer. She said no one from Trojan has to know I had twins, especially my husband. She also said my little girl would be growing up in Greece. I wanted to say no. I wanted to fight. But, who was I in front of Gods? If this was the price, so I had to give in.
She said, I would be seeing my little girl again. My husband was destined to bring her back home.
I knew something bad would happen.
Days later, he was invited to go to Greece. The night before he went to Greece, the three Gods were coming. First appeared Hera, for her hair was ordered with a white diadem, and she carried a sceptre. The sign that she was Zeus’ wife. Then come Athena; her head was covered with a gleaming helmet which was itself crowned with an olive-wreath. She brought a shield and brandished a spear. After them Aphrodite entered, her beauty visibly unbeatable. She showed her unblemished beauty by appearing naked and unclothed except for a thin silken garment veiling her entrancing lower parts. Hera offered to make him king of Europe and Asia, Athena offered wisdom and skill in war, and Aphrodite offered the world's most beautiful woman. I did not know what Aphrodite did to him, but he chose her.
I ran out of words.
Aphrodite’s dancing was followed by the anger of Hera and Athena who directly went out from our place. I was standing outside. My legs were shaky, and I could not even cry a single tear. It was like, my happiness was taken away from me. My husband, my dear loving husband, accepted the offer for getting the most beautiful woman in the world. Why? Why would he do that? I stared at him as he walked out the door without giving any glance towards me. I did not believe that was my husband. The gods must be playing with us. I would not gonna let they take my sunshine away. No, I would not.
I could play God as well.
Besides, I told you that this was the most beautiful story, right?
The cold from that night could not stop me from running outside.

-

I did not understand my husband. Leaving the judgment of who was the fairest among all into one mortal hand? Did I really marry Zeus? That Zeus? I knew how he was always avoiding conflicts (especially if it had something to do with me but whatever) but I had no idea if he could be this stupid. That mortal, what was his name? Paris? He was just that boy who entertain Zeus because he could slap Ares in his face. I actually did not know the details, I was busy chasing down Leto. Rgh. That slut. How dare she kept her baby after she seduced Zeus to sleep with her? I kicked her out of the earth while Zeus praised that mortal very much and it was me who was crazy? Ha?
I actually wanted to look for her again but then I heard a call from Trojan. Interesting. It was that mortal’s wife. I wonder what she wanted to do with me, but I guess it would be interesting. When I came down, she looked at me. Now I understand why that mortal wanted to be with a beautiful lady. \
‘What do you want, mortal?’

-

The war of Trojan had ended. I saw everything from Qui Island, one of Hera’s sacred place. Yeah, I was Hera’s servant now. Hera got what she want, the blood from unholy bound between a father and a daughter. She said it was one of the ultimate tribute a Godess could had. So I told her my little daughter was taken by Eris to Greece, and Hera swapped the woman who was sent by Aphrodite into my little daughter, who magically turned 20. She was dead. It was okay. I got what I want anyway. Paris. Beside me.
“You know he’s dead, right?”
Another servant, Illius, asked me. While hugging Paris, I smiled, and nodded slowly.
Until now, we are inseparable.
It is a beautiful story, right?

{This is a rewriting from Helen of Troy's folktale}

X

Finale [fiction]



But you don’t know what I feel. You never do. You always yell at me about every little thing; how my hair is frizzy; how your tea is too hot, and how its not warm enough; how puffy my eye bags are; even how noisy it gets when I open the door. You always complain about everything, You always tell me to read more books, watch more news, eat more vegetables, drink more milk. You always tell me to do this and that.
I feel more like an investment that you need to prepare in every particular thing than your servant. You try to fix everything about me so that I’d be your good stake until you are ready to sell me anytime you want. What actually do you consider me as? Your son? Or are you just bored and need something to play with
Anyway I know you have been secretly dating my father. I always know. Do you know that I know?
When my father first brought me to your house, I was happy. I have never seen such a lovely house. Your house is this big building made from woods and have a big grass yard and is surrounded by pines. I love woods, I always do. Okay, I also love grass. And pine. I love your house. This house is just.. lovely. No better word. He said we would live here as your servants. Do you think I would buy that crap? Never did, never do. I used to think it was strange. It was just yesterday when I saw the news about that billionaire who fell sick and was disabled due to the stroke. The next day my father took me to his house, and introduced me to the wife. Suddenly, we all moved here. It was strange, but now I know why. I know how my father sneaks out almost every night and comes back in the dawn from your room. I see how you two look at each other. I know it. You both are disgusting.
Just now, I saw you both holding hands. I was just delivering tea to your room again (after you complained that you did not like the cup, whatever) and my father was there. Holding your hands. I intentionally dropped the cup, and ran out from the room. I just could not stand the idea of you two being together. How sick is that? You have a husband, for God’s sake! And you both are like, what, a hundred years old? Don’t you guys have other things to do beside feeding your lust like, I don’t know, praying or knitting or watching tv or playing chess for example?
I slammed the door and I did not care.
Today is my birthday, and you both have just ruined it.

-

I bet he doesn’t know what I feel. I can tell by his eyes that filled with hatred. I always yell at him about every little thing; how his hair is frizzy; how my tea is too hot, and how its not warm enough; how puffy his eye bags are; even how noisy it gets when he opens the door. I always complain about everything, I always tell him to read more books, watch more news, eat more vegetables, drink more milk.  I always tell him to do this and that.
Of course, I love him.
I want him to grow up to be a gentleman. I want him to be clever, and handsome, and healthy. I want him to be able to take care of his own. I want him to know how to act. I want him to have a wide knowledge. If only I can do it nicely.
When you first bought him to me, I was shocked. And thrilled. And confused. And happy. All at the same time. I could not believe I finally met him. The last time I saw him was when he was still a new-born. You directly took him away and both of you were gone. I know that it was something we both agreed at, but that did not mean it did not hurt. You always say how he has the same taste like me; how he likes the house, how he loves to arrange everything, how he loves to control everything, even how easy for him to be angry. He is indeed just the same as me.
Anyway, I know he knows you are my lover. Why would I not? He always pouts everytime I speak to you. Let him, I once said to you. Let him know and let him wonder, because what he does not know would not hurt him. At least not now. Perhaps it is better if he does not know at all, right?
This noon you came into my room. You looked so tense. I know what you were feeling; you were still in doubt. I smiled, and held your hands. Honey I love you, and I want you to do this for me, only you, I said this for the hundreds time. I ensured you how this was the best for all of us. You rejected. Your eyes looked teary.
He just dropped the cup and slammed the door.
Okay honey, if you don’t do this, you will lose us both, I said.
Anyway, happy birthday, young man.

-

She is crazy. I have been known from the very first, but still this is the craziest thing she wants me to do. Isn’t it enough for us to be together? What else does she possibly want?
Unless she has bought us all tickets to be together there, I’m not gonna take her to afterlife.
I decided to meet her this noon, I said it all. I said, honey this is finally a peaceful moment for us. Finally we can get your husband off of our back. You tried so hard to induce his stroke so that he is the same as dead for these years. I finally got in the house. I finally got to be with you. We finally live together. Aren’t these enough for you?
Of course, honey, she answered. Honey I love you, and I want you to do this for me, only you, I said this for the hundreds time. I ensured you how this is the best for all of us.
She kept saying that from the first time she asked me and I never did understand. I never do.
He just dropped the cup slammed the door.
Okay honey, if you don’t do this, you will lose us both, she said.
I stood in silence. You gazed.
Honey I am old. I am sick.  This cancer has been eating me, and I really really dislike the feeling of being sick. I am weak. I hate being weak. These pills that they give only cover the pain. They don’t cure me, honey.
She held me hands tighter, meaning she did not want me to interrupt.
I have nothing left to lose now. I made a mistake, honey. I should never bail on you. I should never be married with him. I should have been able to stand up against my family. I thought by having a baby with you, my mother would accept us. But I was wrong.
Reconnecting with you was my sweetest sin. After me and him got married, I never thought I would see you again. Years gone by. I finally gave him a daughter. I thought that was it; I thought me, him, and her would live just like that until the end of time. But then you came back. Telling me that our son was alive. I thought he was dead, you told me he was dead! So I have a daughter from him, and I also have a son from you. It makes me happy in some weird way, honey. I have always wanted to have a pair. Aren’t we?
Honey, I beg you. I beg you to do this. I have written a letter saying that my legacy will be divided into two, my daughter and my son. Yes, it may come as a surprise for everyone that I actually have a son but I think it is time for people to know the truth. Take it as his 20th birthday gift. Quite an angry boy we both have, no? I also need you to explain everything to him. Tell him I love him, and I’m sorry for being so hard on him. Tell him I regret every minute of us being apart. Tell him it kills me everyday to know I once threw him out of my life. Tell him sorry, but I just cant bear to look at him without feeling guilty. I am mad. I am pissed to myself, but I throw it all to him. I am really sorry fot that. Please tell him.
She held both of my hands, and had her final words.
Honey, please kill me.

X

Separation [fiction]


Its Christmas Eve, and I am alone with my headset on at this coffee shop, the place I abandon for the last two months. John Mayer is playing along, and outside is now raining.
People say, letting go is so much easier than moving on. Well, to me, in order to move on, you have to let go. By letting go, I mean letting go in a complete way.  Letting go means accepting that things are sometimes do not go the way we want them to be. Letting go is not to fix; some things are better off their own way.
Letting go means learning that sometimes, in life, people grow.
Sadly, they grow apart.
Sometimes you just lay there and something reminds you of the good times you used to have. You ask yourself was this a right decision or not. You keep thinking and wondering if you made a mistake by stepping out, or you should have been fixing all the messes.
I keep thinking about him. I miss him, of course, but I just cant go back and pretend if nothing has ever happened. I wish nothing had happened, tho. I wish we were not supposed to be like this. How I wish, I wish, and I wish, but my wish isnt going to make any differences.
I wish I could still wish it was over.
There are indeed some empty spaces in my life that I have to fill, like the tendency of talking to him everytime I want. Fighting over a silly thing like how he insisted on me stopping my stupid diet and how I hate his smell when he went to play football.
He had been the only thing in my life that kept me sane for these last 25 years.
And now I have to complete my own sanity.
By seeing how many espresso glasses I have spent this afternoon, regaining my own sanity has started badly.
The red haired barista has always looked at me in a curiosity whenever we meet at this coffee shop. You know the thing about coffee shop that I love the most?  It is the place where I can be alone but not feel lonely. I love to sit, sip my coffe, listen to John Mayer, and stare outside. The view from this place is adorable. When it is afternoon, the sky will look like a big sea that has soft wave with the colors form a beautiful ombre. When it is night, the city lights will march along with the cars’ lights that move in different speeds. I can stare at the view for hours, drowning in my own thoughts, ignoring the world outside, getting lost in the way.
It is so boring. What is so interesting about sky anyway, he always said.
The sky never changes, I answered.
I don’t even know what changes are you talking about but it sounds boring, he then sighed.
I smiled, and stared at the sky again.
Well, I said, no matter if the color changes, the cloud disappears, the thunder cracks, the rain falls, the sky will always be there whenever I look up. No matter how scary it was yesterday,  it will always be there when I look up.
Of course you silly, it is a part of the earth, he replied plainly.
Sigh. Those conversations I miss. Terribly. It has been days since we parted. I am not a people person so when I lost someone, I kind of lost some part of myself. Only few people can ever get to be a part of my life. Most people suck. I hate people anyway. They really, really suck. He was the one who always been a social butterfly. When he did that, I usually hid in the corner and watched from the distance.
You know what I love from crowd? The mixed emotion I feel, he once told me.
You know what I love from crowd? I asked him back.
I can notice everyone without anyone notices me.
Ha. Emo.
Shut up.
Letting him go is probably the toughest decision I ever made in my entire life. We both knew we could not go on like this anymore. We had to move on, but only one of us will survive. He chose me. I argued. He had the purest heart on earth but then he chose me. I was a mess, still am. He was the one who think sunshine is out from God’s butt and we have to live everyday with joy blahblahblah. But, he chose me.
Why? I asked. Why?
Because I love you.
Spare me another bullshit, please. I’m dying of it.
Haha I think I got enough tickets to heaven right now. You? I don’t think you have any.
Seriously, dude.
I am fucking serious. Look, sugar, everyone comes down to live with purposes, even strangers like us. I have found my purpose, and I have also completed it. What is the point of living any much longer, anyway? You are the one who needs to live any much longer. You need to find your purpose, and accomplish it. Basically, you need more time, and I am giving it to you.
Who died and made you the next Oprah?
The future me. Haha.
“Excuse me, Sir. You finished?”
That annoying barista annoyed us again. I once swore to you that I would yell at him once he interrupted us again, so this time..
“Do I look like I am fucing fini-“
“No no,” he cut my burst, “take the glass, it is okay.”
There, my least favorite part from this. That annoying barista almost always looked down to us. His eyes were always filled with pity and pity irritated me. Ergh, I just hate people.
When I’m gone, you really have to learn how to be nice. I wont be there to save your ass from being kicked out from, yea, everywhere. People need each other to live, sugar.
Who died and made you a sociology teacher?
And then he laughed. As always. Laughing my sarcasm out. But I knew, at that day, I really had to start letting him go. No matter which one of us would die, at the moment I knew we were going to be parted. I hate feelings, but I will not forget the feeling on the days of our separation
It was a cold night, and we both were laying down on the bed. I was scared. I was so scared that night. I felt like something bad was about to happen, but I had no idea how to stop it. My tummy flinched, and my throat dried. I wanted to puke but I could not. I bit my lips all the time.
I just could not stand the idea of saying goodbye to him and saw him slowly disappear from my life. One thing I promised him not to do; I wont cry.
And when I woke up the next two days, I cried myself dry.

-

I was hiding in his darkest place, although he used to say I was his light. It was all started when we were a little. Well, to be fair, when he was a little. He found me whenever he played alone.  When he lost mom because of the divorce, I guess that was when he finally found me. At first, it was scary to talk to him. I felt weird, and I did not think it was right. When I was hiding, I began to question myself. What was I? What was I doing? I was the parasite, but he welcomed me to his life.
I always knew I was a fucked up kid. I always knew there was something wrong with me. I always knew that, and I had been waiting for the wrongness to come. But when you came, I actually felt like you were one right thing in my fucked up little world.
I don’t even know what I am. How can you be so sure if this is a right thing to do? I mean, if I were a different person, I would say we were sick.
And congratulations for being Miss Judgmental of the year! Oh come on, why do you care about how it feels for other people? What do you actually feel? That is the matter.
I actually froze when he said that.
Days went by as I went stronger and bolder. I was now a real part of him. I actually felt like our life was a big hide-and-seek game but we knew we could not win.

-

December 21st, 2005.
It has been raining all day as my cab is heading towards mom’s apartment. She invited us to come, said that she will explain everything. He ignored it, and said he would be sleeping today. Little that he knows, I am now able to wake up without him realize. He doesnt know I'm going, and lets just keep it this way.
His pain is my pain, but my hatred is not his. I hate mom for letting him down, and I hate him for not hating mom. Wait, who am I kidding, I can never actually hate him. I urged him zillion times to avenge, but he always said revenge is not gonna help.
My cab finally arrives, and I stare at the apartment. I see the playground and the swimming pool. Do you take your new kid there, mom? Playing with the seesaw, and watching your new kid build a sand castle? Do you do all of the things we used to do? Do you also make promise to be beside your kid forever? Do you also say forever?
A painful feeling of being replaced awakes deep inside of me. Sigh. I have to move on, and I have to do this. I get into the elevator and press mom’s floor. In a minute, she is already there when the elevator opens.
I sit at the couch, and stare at the photos mom hangs on the wall. There are some photos of us. Pfft, perhaps she hangs it just before I got here. Attention whore. She is still a betrayal, and none is going to change that.
“I actually didn’t expect you to come.”
I smile, and sip my tea. I stare around the room, and find no one. She notices.
“No one is here, just you and me. They are off to the grocery store.”
“Well, I really want to see your new family.”
“You are my family.”
I give her a quick laugh. She can feel the sinister roars up from me.
“Yeah. So how are you? You never return my call, or my text. Don’t you miss me?”
“Been busy.”
“Hows school?”
“As usual.”
“You are mad.”
“No.”
“Yes you are.”
She gazes with her round brown eyes, the eyes that he adores the most. We got pop’s eyes, boring black drunk with less spark compared to mom’s eyes.
“Honey…”
I am stoned. Doubt has poked me. Should I do this or shouldn’t I?
 “Honey, you have to understand. People make mistakes. I know I am wrong, I don’t need you to understand, I just need you to not distance yourself from me. I am your mother, and you are my handsome little guy. I am not going to love you less, honey. You already have my biggest love ever and forever.”
I smile. Then she smiles.
I walk down the hall, and take a deep breath. She is reading a magazine, I can see her back from here. Taking a deep breath, I grab a vase and walk toward her back.
If you truly love us at all mom, if you truly love him, if you truly love your little guy, you should never have left in the first place. You should never betray us. How come you can still say forever while you are cheating on us?
“Why did you mess forever, mom?”
Before she has the chance to turn her head back to see me, I hit her head over and over again.
Don’t look back, mom. We shall never look back.

-

The santa is coming, and Christmas song is roaring from this mall’s lobby. It sucks to work a night shift on a holiday, but what can I say? Half of us are celebrating Christmas.
I have no idea why some people still prefer to be alone in this kind of time. In my place of work, this coffee shop, it is common to see people without company. But if it was me, in spite of being alone in holiday at public place, I would rather stay at home, watch some movies and order a pizza. From their looks, I bet they all have a nice place to live. Especially the man who wears Rolex watch, and that usual particular person who loves to see the view outside.
I know, it is strange for people to describe someone with ‘person’ instead of that lady or that man. Nevertheless, trust me, I have my reason.
I was pretty amazed when she came, actually I am still amazed till now. I am pretty sure I know the face, but I just cannot remember who is she. Other baristas don’t know who she is, but they also reckon that her face is familiar. Like my red hair, they say, something’s rare. What is so wrong with my red hair, anyway? Its cool!
Right now she is looking outside. Uh, she is pretty. But there’s something scary about her I cant describe. I have no idea what is it, but she is creeping me out. But I cant stop staring at her.
Until she stares back at me.
That is when I remember who she is. Those eyes! Those lifeless eyes.
She used to come here but never said a word. Its been months, but I know its her. I have seen those eyes. Her hair grows longer, and she uses a bit make up. She feels different, but…
Now I see what is actually creeping me out from her.
I am quite sure, she used to be a he.

X