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Saturday, November 3, 2012

My first break-up

This post is on my gmail's draft. Yeah usually I choose to post through email from my phone. I wonder why I never send this one. Perhaps because it is an.. yeah, an honest and frontal one, but I think I am that brutally-spilling-truths-like-nobody-is-listening person so I decided to post this one. :-)
I also want to give credit to Bella who has this post that encourages me to post about my ex :-p

Here it goes----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The life lesson I most wish I had learned early in life is: If your partner dumps you, that is absolute proof they were not the one no matter how attached you feel, no matter how much you believe you could never love another, no matter how great it used to be, no matter if the heartbreak is the worst pain you ever felt. 

Taken from http://mindprod.com/deepthoughts/wise.html

Yeah. No matter what.

I am opening my notes on my iPhone and I have just found that paragraph that I copied times ago. Well, I feel... Related to it. I mean, I know how it feels.

"...no matter how attached you feel, no matter how much you believe you could never love another, no matter how great it used to be, no matter if the heartbreak is the worst pain you ever felt."

I used to feel that after I broke up with Rizky. I have to admit, first break up is tough.

The hottest love has the coldest end.

No, we're not friends anymore. We tried to be friends, but it turned out to be a repeated mistake. Our current condition as strangers is the best for both of us.

Its not that I still think about him; I just want to write this down. He knows how I love to write, so he wont be thinking I'd still think about him. I hope you readers can do the same, stop creating rumors. We both are already taken happily with our new loved ones, too. This is an early warning bcs this post may contain some serious issues related to my past relationship hahaha sok artis lu nar kaya blog ada yg baca aeee.

Well. Where do I begin?

First break up hurt like hell. I was so screwed at the moment I couldnt think straight. No, actually, the hardest part was the giving up. So, one step before breaking up. It was effin hard to just let go of what once was a good thing and give up. That was the most hurtful phase for me. Torn between holding on or letting go. I was having a hard time on giving up because I had, eh have, eh had ;p this pride that I prioritize among anything else. The thought of being replaced kills, no? I loved him too much at the moment and I also hated the feeling of losing that he made me feel. Really, I was such in a big dilemma.

Everyday was a guess; which version of you I might get on the phone today? Yea you know the ups and down of lingering. One day he talked sweet, and the other day he yelled at me. I kept praying for him to get sane and being back to the old us, but I somehow knew that it will end soon. I started to lose hope and unconsciously prepare myself for a real break up, but yeah. I had to get through this phase alive. I could not sleep at night. I called my friends or cried myself to sleep. I lost my mood to do anything. I lost my appetite.

You cannot die from a broken heart, you only wish you did.

That's just how screwed  I was before I decided to let him go.

But then, I let go.
I am loving myself.

There was I, then. Stumbling all alone at Depok. I felt quite okay after the break-up but I once thought I wont be able to love again, but then I was wrong. Perhaps I was blinded by the pain that he gave. I was blinded because I have never experienced a broken heart before.  I thought I wont be able to open my heart again. I wont be able to let my wall crumbles down.

I gotta tell you, I was wrong.

The pain is temporary, only the lesson that is permanent. I mean, when you are already in a new relationship, the trauma of your last relationship will be preventing you to screw up. At least, it happens to me. My relationship with Rizky was tiring. It drained ourselves, both of us.  It gave me what to and not to do, if you know what I mean.

For me, having a break up is only creating more specification for what men you wont get along with.

Let me say rephrase it; I thank him for the lessons :-)
I really do.

Dont let bad ending defines what once was a big happiness. No? :-)


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