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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

If it doesn't mean a thing, then don't say anything.
But it means something, more then we can say.
Cause you kissed me so, even though your heart said no
So when will you phone?

Lost feelings of love come flooding back
Every time you cry, you give me little heart attacks.
Love seems strongest when its new,
But that's something I can't prove, I can't prove that I love you.

Oh I need you here, so make your reasons clear, is it me you fear? 
Oh I fear I'm losing you.
It's time to choose, you know I can't stand losing.
It's my mind your bruising, as well as my heart.

You were just there, in the right place,
You smoothed out the wrinkles on my face.
You got to sort the good fruit from the bad fruit,
Darling, I'm not supposed to feel this, not when you're leaving.

You, oh you should stick around,
To hear me hit the ground
Its such a pretty sound.
If you felt it weeks ago, then where did those feelings go?
Oh surely you must know,
Cause I'm not supposed to feel this, not when you're leaving.


Friday, March 23, 2012

Membuat saya menunggu

▼Kamu selalu berhasil membuat saya menunggu. ya, menunggu.

Tiga tahun yang lalu, kamu membuat saya menunggu sampai jam 5 untuk menonton film yang ternyata sudah berganti jam tayang, dan membatalkan rencana kita malam itu.

Dua tahun dan beberapa bulan yang lalu, kamu membuat saya menunggu di rumah seorang teman yang tidak membuat saya merasa nyaman, kamu bilang banmu bocor, dan kamu meminta saya menunggu.

Dua tahun yang lalu, kamu membuat saya menunggu kamu menyatakan perasaan yang saya pun belum tahu pasti ada atau tidak. kamu membuat saya menunggu satu hari penuh di tanggal delapan, hanya untuk berangkat dengan hati yang sudah tidak jelas bentuknya. kamu membuat saya menunggu kamu yang tiba-tiba muncul di dalam sebuah surat elektronik.

Selama delapan belas bulan kamu tetap membuat saya menunggu. menunggu kesempatan apapun untuk bisa bertemu kamu yang jauh disana. menunggu kamu yang akhirnya menjemput saya di ibukota. menunggu waktu dimana saya bisa melupakan dunia sejenak dan menghempaskan diri ke dalam pelukan kamu yang selalu menjadi favorit saya.

Waktu-waktu setelah berpisah dari kamu pun saya tetap menunggu. saya menunggu akan ada cerita baru yang bisa membuat saya sembuh dari luka-luka yang kamu berikan. saya menunggu kesempatan untuk bahagia kembali. saya menunggu hadiah Tuhan untuk saya yang masih bisa bernafas bahkan setelah saya kehilangan kamu yang pernah saya biarkan untuk menjadi separuh dari diri saya. separuh dari hidup saya. separuh dari perasaan saya. separuh yang menggeser logika saya.

Sapaan kamu masih saja membuat saya menunggu. saya menunggu akal pikiran saya untuk datang kembali dan menampar saya sembari berteriak mengingatkan saya bahwa kita pernah menjadi sebuah kesalahan yang menorehkan luka permanen di diri saya. kamu membuat saya menunggu akan saat-saat dimana saya akan menyesali mengapa saya harus membalas sapaan kamu di awal tahun itu. kamu membuat saya menunggu akan apa yang bakal terjadi di masa depan.

Ini sudah tiga tahun, tapi kamu masih saja membuat saya menunggu. sekarang, kamu membuat saya menunggu kabar kamu yang sedang bermain futsal. kamu membuat saya menunggu tentang apa yang akan terjadi di masa depan. kamu membuat saya menunggu tentang sesuatu yang bahkan saya belum tahu itu apa. kamu membuat saya menunggu masa depan menjawab pertanyaan; akankah kita akan bahagia berdua, ataukah kita akan bahagia sendiri-sendiri. kamu membuat saya menunggu pertanyaan kamu terjawab; apakah saya berharga untuk kamu pertaruhkan? kamu membuat saya menunggu akankah saya kembali jatuh yang entah kesekian kalinya dan harus mengulang semua usaha untuk membangun tembok dengan lebih kokoh dari sebelumnnya? kamu membuat saya menunggu untuk melihat apa yang Tuhan rencanakan untuk kita berdua.

Masih saja kamu membuat saya menunggu untuk bertemu kamu. masih saja kamu membuat saya menunggu untuk... meminjam bahu yang bisa menjadi obat yang lebih ampuh dari xanax dan pronac. menunggu untuk meminta peluk yang bisa menggantikan aspirin.

Menunggu untuk....


Thursday, March 22, 2012

I dont believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

▼My life seems extremely interesting right now. hooking up with the person I thought I would never even want to see again, having the IKMI's Englicious paid off by one particular sponsor, giving the felice's exhibition for a wee in surabaya on my own team, gaining my reguler sleeping time back, hearing NP is having its own very first pagelaran, having some money that allow me to rest for a damn straight month hahaha.

It scares me off sometimes, right now it is scaring me out, knowing that things will go wrong in the nick of time again just like it always did. I dont know, maybe we will have some fights that drag him away from me? having trouble with my classes' attendance? the event has a lot of obstacle? God knows then.

Right now, I am trying my best to do 5 times prayer because I know, its only Him I can hold onto. not even my family, not even my mom. I hold stronger to my faith each day, I'm trying my best. God has given me too much joys that I am scared I will drown in them and forget where it actually comes from. I love you, God, we are both awesome xx

Because maybe you'll gonna be the one that saves me


Sunday, March 4, 2012

that convos

▼His phone rang. his best girl called, and he picked up less in a second. She missed him so much, and actually he missed her that much too. their friendship has lasted long enough and they have known each other deep enough that they know they are not going to fall for each other. one or two question about each other's life updates passed, and he began asking about her blind spot. yeah, true, her relationship with the man, her ex. he knew that she always has this one blind spot since 3 years ago when she first met her ex. yeah, tho she had stories with another, he knew deep down inside that no one compares to the man. they lasted for more than a year. she said to him that her relationship with the man were much less like a circle. he asked in what phase her now at. she stood her silence. he let her drown in her trial to answer because he knew she was asking herself too for the answer. she finally answered him. he listened carefully.

"wait, can you repeat?"

"uhm, I myself dont know. there is this fear that we will end up hurting each other. but. yeah. I dont want to lose him now."

"what about him?"

"like hell I'd know whats on his mind. he is easily changing, you know. there are those times when I just want to hug him like there's no tomorrow. but there are also those times when I want to drown him in the deepest scariest sea when monsters live and eat fresh blood."

"yeah. that sentence has a 'but' right?"

"he? you mean?"

"you always tell me that sentence when you are grumbling about him. then you pause. after that, comes a phrase.."

"but I realize I would kill myself just to save him."

"yeah right. you should have known by then. stop being arrogant. didn't you realize what's your mistake when you both broke up?"

"I held my pride like I should have held him."

"there you go. if you guys are going back together, promise me you will treat him right. remember, what you give is what you get."

"if we are going back together."

"if you are going back together."▲


Friday, March 2, 2012


I know you till your worst I know how you can be so cruel with your words I know how you can be so insensitive with conditions I know how you can be so rude if you want to I know how you are easily changing I know how your bad behaviour comes out when youre sleepy and tired I know how you just cant cherish the goodness and always point out the weakness I know how you can be so selfish and egocentric I know how you can easily walkaway from the mess without giving a damn I know how you can be so cold I know you, trust me I know Trust me, I know you till your worst Yet, Look at me now Look at where I stand Look at what I feel.