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Tuesday, July 5, 2011

please allow me to be selfish

 now listening “Ruins” by Polyester Embassy ♫

here I am, sitting somewhere in the city. you know, I've promised myself to write here whenever we dont contact each other.
mad? yea, still, sort of. actually, its a bit more to disappointed. and tired. and frustated. hahaha. fyi, do you know one of my bestfs mad at me. she said that I was waaay too much in spending times with him. even sometimes if we hang out together, he also joins us. she said that back then, I hate my friends who spend too much time with their lover, but now I almost do the same. it was ironic when she said that to me, he was in a situation which he had to cancel your promise to me bcs of his friends :'' wasnt it ironic? uh? hahaha

lately I've been thinking so much about this. please allow me to be selfish, only for this time, only for this occasion, only for this one. I spent 8 months a year apart from my hometown, apart from my bestfriends, apart from him. when I come back, I dont take much of your time, right? I only take 3-4 months a year, and I'm not asking for full days togetherness. to be honest, I really miss him, like, so much. not to mention I dont miss my friends, I miss them too! its just, I expect I could have him whenever I want, just like I am trying to be available for him in whenever he wants. I expect him to understand that he could just see his friends in those 8 months, whenever I am at Depok alrd. not that I dont allow him to see his friends, I just hate it when he cancels our promises just bcs of his friends. how I hate broken promises :'(

please allow me to be selfish. I dont take much of his time, eh? I only ask for 3-4 months a year :'( is that too much? is that too much for him to handle? hon? I just want him to keep his promises (and upgrade his skill to read situation) I know, he often rejects your friends' invitation bcs of me. he said to them that you have a priority. kinda flattering, but honey I dont ask for you to be with me 24/7, just dont break your promise, please? :(

please allow me to be selfish. he said that he didnt know if broken promises hurt so much, but it does hurt sooo much for me :( I'm not willing to let he knows what it feels like, bcs I dont want him to hate me bcs of that. I hate him bcs of that, yeah I did, but it didnt beat the reason why I fell for him. I still love him no matter what.

please allow me to be selfish. he said sorry, I forgave him right when he said that. but sugar, it didnt gone, the heartache. for me, sorry is an action. saying that you're sorry is one of the ways of asking for apologize. I need him to acts his sorry. not to be drown in silence bcs I also didnt contact him. he asked what do I want and I still couldnt figure it out whether he is tired or he is totally clueless and doesnt know what to do. but I dislike the way he didnt even try to break the silence. make me feel like... like.... like he doesnt even care to solve this.

please allow me to be selfish. I know, I said too much when I was mad at him, but it was the first time I lost my self-control in front of him. I'm so sorry, but I have reasons, if you could understand :')

please allow me to be selfish. I have friends, you have friends, we both have time, lets just make it simpler with no hurt feeling, eh? :')

please allow me to be selfish, cant you?


the most common failure that I have to deal is when I want to make everyone including myself happy with one same situation



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